Backpacking

Blog, Feelings, Uncategorized

Do you ever just want to pack a bag full of clothes, something sentimental and just go. You don’t even know where you are planning to go but you just know you want to go.

I love the thought of going somewhere new, a whole different country where no one knows my name and starting fresh. I dream about it sometimes..

The endless possibilities of being able to start all over again. Erasing the last years of my past and start a clean slate. Not only because of the past hurt but because of wanting to start a new adventure and seeing where it’ll take me.

Lately I have been thinking of buying a cheap camper van and starting an adventure that I hope would one day lead me to the other side of the world. 

Of course, I would still be the same person. Of course my problems aren’t going to stay where I am leaving. That isn’t what I am trying to accomplish here. More the fact and thought of being in a camper van alone, travelling. Experiencing new cities, new cultures, new surroundings, foods etctera. 

I am not afraid of picking up my bag and going, that isn’t what’s holding me back. It’s the money. If I woke up one day to a shit load of money in my account, I would leave and not even think twice about it. 

I am yet to find somewhere I belong, I hunger for it.

Fear definitely isn’t holding me back, life’s too short not to go on adventures. 

This would be the perfect time to pick up and go. I don’t know, I am just tired of the country I am living in and feeling STUCK. That’s what I feel stuck. 

I am sure there isn’t a perfect country. Honestly I believe I live in one of the best countries in the world, but I am just tired of it, you know? I just want to drive and drive and drive and drive! 

Maybe one day. Maybe not tomorrow, this year, next year but maybe one day! And to that, I’ll hold on dearly! 

Perfectly Imperfect

Blog, Feelings

I am perfectly imperfect; –I am in love with some of my flaws.-

Refuse to apologise for your flaws, they have made you, YOU.

Your flaws do not define you as a soul. But they have shaped you.

Learn to love your flaws, learn to accept your flaws.

You are not what someone defines you; due to your flaws.

There isn’t any human being without flaws, some have just learned to be best-friends with theirs; learn to do the same, so no one may be able to put you down.

Those flaws you hate so much; they are flaws someone has or will fall in love with.

“Once you accept your flaws, no one can use them against you.”

We have to learn to love ourselves. Every single inch of our bodies and souls. We need to learn to ignore what people think of us. We become so obsessed with the way people view us that we loose ourselves. There is a person in this world for every single one of us, and guess what? That person is going to love every single inch of you. The good and the bad. We all have our flaws, even those who seem “perfect to us”

Loving myself is something I am still learning to do and so is loving my flaws. Some flaws I am in love with and some I hate. 

But I am really trying to learn to love them all. I am who I am.

We’re always told by our parents how perfect we are, how beautiful we are. Do we believe them no? They are our parents, of course they have to say that. But no, what they say is true. Because they created us. So all they see is perfection and beauty. They want that to be instilled in us when we are young but our society changes it all.

Suddenly “YOU ARE LYING MUM, THE CHILDREN AT SCHOOL DON’T THINK I AM.”

What a shame. What a real shame that the words our parents say mean nothing but those of bullies and friends and boyfriends/girlfriends leave us scarred for life. Leave us believing every single words.

Love your flaws – by OPRAH. The Queen, of course.  (This post, by OPRAH, gave me so much life. Read it.)

“Talk to yourself as you would your best friend.” – Victoria Beckham

Another queen, good role model is the beautiful VB. This is something I have learned to do. I talk to myself like I would my best friend, because I am my own best friend. I have had talks with myself about learning to love my flaws.

Learning to love your flaws instead of beating yourself up about them is so difficult but trust me, you will feel so much better about yourself. Hating your flaws will lead to hating your self. Also.. an important question? Do you hate your flaws because you hate them? Or do you hate your flaws because someone has pointed them out to you in disgust?

I guarantee you 9/10 it’s no2. Just remember they also have flaws.

Remember.. “your flaws are perfect for the heart that is meant to love you.” and that is all that matters. 

To the woman I believe you (I) will become.

Blog, Feelings, Uncategorized

Dear future me,

I have faith in present you. I know you doubt yourself. I know you doubt your capability, I know your dreams and hopes have been broken way more than you can even recall. Although future me, your future husband, your future children we are counting on you. Counting on you to make it to those better and sunnier days.

I want you to come back in a year’s time and read this and be at your happiest.  I want you to read this and remember every single emotion, pain and anger you had. I want you to look at how far you have got.

Present you is so inspiring; all these barrier and obstacles that you have faced and still stand here with the hopes of those brighter days. I know you picture future me and you know she is worth the pain to be her. I know you dream about future you/me. Your mind wanders during the day about her, about her life, her married and children’s live. You know she is worth fighting and waiting for. You do know that.. right?

People will read this and have opinions. Is she really writing a post about herself, in second and third person? But there will be those who understand. Those who speak to themselves the exact same.

Present me, I really hope you continue being strong enough and make it through the storm. Make it through the storm to meet me. I cannot wait for you to live this perfect life you always imagined and still imagine. You are me and I am you. I am figment of your imagination that you are waiting to live.

I promise you, future you is worth all of this heartache.

Love present you, dreaming of future you while writing this.

I was looking for a picture to add on this post, when I came by this little blog post. I love it. I am going to write a proper one, but a more private one just for me. I think we should all do it. A nice reflection for a years or two’s time.

Dear Past Me, Present Me, and Future Me

I also, had to add in this picture because I LOVE to procrastinate; so future me, I hope I haven’t pissed you off too much!

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You (I) are (am) your (my) own enemy.

Blog, Feelings, Uncategorized

Who knew I would end up being my worst enemy, without even trying.

I love myself, I really do; but I hate myself more. -please no sympathy- 

From a young age, I have always planned my life in such detail and I have never had a “plan b” and what a mistake that was (the not having a plan b/back up plan). I was never prepared for a rainy day. For life to not go my way.

I just took a really big breath and I could feel my heart literally being torn apart.. AGAIN.. BY ME.  I am fighting the tears. What is the point of crying?

See, I had always planned my life out and never believed it would go any differently to what I had planned. Especially for it to have turned out to be all of my fears and nightmares. But, boy oh boy was I wrong. Everything started going wrong at age 14/15, but I ignored everything. Who cared? I was only in high school. What did it matter? I still had so much to look forward to. So I brushed everything off. Another mistake.

So here I was, finishing college and realising that the plans I had made when I was in primary school were not going to happen. (I always knew from an early age, the path I wanted to take.)  I had tried my best after college to continue pursuing my dreams, the little girl in me told me not to quit. YOU WILL GET THERE.  3 years on, life is just spiralling out of control! The little girl in me, the little girl with the big smile I wanted to make so proud, who told me I could do this; you lied.. I lied to myself.

I work so hard, I really do; and it is never enough. The last few months of 2016 and this year have been the hardest months of my lives and continue to be so. They have taught me how truly strong I am. I am proud of myself for that and that alone.

I want to be able to say I know better is coming; but I am beginning to doubt it. I do not see myself making it through this year. I really believed this was going to be my greatest year; once again.. I lied to myself, I am my own worst enemy, I continue to betray myself, I continue to break my own heart.

I don’t even know what this post is about, I have changed it twice but went with the flow of whatever I felt to write and this is it.

People always tell you things get better, but do they? I feel that people do not know how to give advice and do not know how to listen properly but instead just give empty advice. I hate that. I never open up about what really is going on because I have witnessed it a number of times people being given empty advice, empty promises, shit support and I do not want to open up, break down my walls to then be angry at myself for opening up to  the wrong person. So who is the right person?

I envy people who have found someone they can truly open up to about EVERYTHING and that person has still stuck around and has actually supported them and been everything they’ve needed them to be. I am envious of that. I haven’t even opened up to myself? I know there is so much more going on within me, that I choose to ignore.

I have made a promise to myself. One of these days, I promise to open up to myself. To listen and understand my scars and pain. Because I need to be happy within, not fake happy but true happiness. To feel peace and a breeze of fresh air within.

I will wait a life time for that. 

The silence.

Uncategorized

The never ending silence.

So, I had to edit what I originally wrote.

I really am trying to learn how to be alone, to accept it, to not ache for others but it’s hard. The silence is unbearable. I rely on my TV and music to keep me distracted and it works, but it works for a short period of time and then that distraction ends. You catch yourself realising you have finished over 4 movies but haven’t really watched those movies because subconsciously you’re mind is somewhere else. And there you are, slipping back into that LOUD silence.

I often find myself day dreaming about waking up in a new country where NO ONE knows my name, I have been given a second chance of re-starting my life, learning from my mistakes, learning not to trust so easily, not to rely so hard, not to love so unconditionally. How wonderful would it be to wake up in a new country where no one knows you?

(I was about to encounter a HUGE MISTAKE; I was about to unmask my identity, my real name!)  I have chosen to stay private and anonymous for so many reasons, which I will cover in a blog post… eventually. Maybe if I hadn’t trusted and opened up to so many people, it would be more bearable. Do you know what it feels like not being able to rely on anyone but yourself?

I see others with large group of friends or even small groups of friends and I envy them. I used to be them, I always thought I would be them but here I am with only 4 people I believe I can truly count on and even them I have my doubts. Annoyingly I am having to turn my laptop away as I have a nosy parent, well really not nosy perhaps worried but this isn’t for their eyes. So I open a tab up and I am scrolling through Facebook and what a coincidence I find this article:

To the friend I thought my kids would call auntie one day.

This post, is everything and more that I feel about certain friendships. Only a few I really am heartbroken that ended. I feel like they could of helped me through this. The only difference I would say is that I did work for my friendships but I got exhausted.

I promise, my blogs will involve happy posts sooner or later!

I haven’t really found a way to finish my blogs, lols so goodbye for now!

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