Backpacking

Blog, Feelings, Uncategorized

Do you ever just want to pack a bag full of clothes, something sentimental and just go. You don’t even know where you are planning to go but you just know you want to go.

I love the thought of going somewhere new, a whole different country where no one knows my name and starting fresh. I dream about it sometimes..

The endless possibilities of being able to start all over again. Erasing the last years of my past and start a clean slate. Not only because of the past hurt but because of wanting to start a new adventure and seeing where it’ll take me.

Lately I have been thinking of buying a cheap camper van and starting an adventure that I hope would one day lead me to the other side of the world. 

Of course, I would still be the same person. Of course my problems aren’t going to stay where I am leaving. That isn’t what I am trying to accomplish here. More the fact and thought of being in a camper van alone, travelling. Experiencing new cities, new cultures, new surroundings, foods etctera. 

I am not afraid of picking up my bag and going, that isn’t what’s holding me back. It’s the money. If I woke up one day to a shit load of money in my account, I would leave and not even think twice about it. 

I am yet to find somewhere I belong, I hunger for it.

Fear definitely isn’t holding me back, life’s too short not to go on adventures. 

This would be the perfect time to pick up and go. I don’t know, I am just tired of the country I am living in and feeling STUCK. That’s what I feel stuck. 

I am sure there isn’t a perfect country. Honestly I believe I live in one of the best countries in the world, but I am just tired of it, you know? I just want to drive and drive and drive and drive! 

Maybe one day. Maybe not tomorrow, this year, next year but maybe one day! And to that, I’ll hold on dearly! 

To the woman I believe you (I) will become.

Blog, Feelings, Uncategorized

Dear future me,

I have faith in present you. I know you doubt yourself. I know you doubt your capability, I know your dreams and hopes have been broken way more than you can even recall. Although future me, your future husband, your future children we are counting on you. Counting on you to make it to those better and sunnier days.

I want you to come back in a year’s time and read this and be at your happiest.  I want you to read this and remember every single emotion, pain and anger you had. I want you to look at how far you have got.

Present you is so inspiring; all these barrier and obstacles that you have faced and still stand here with the hopes of those brighter days. I know you picture future me and you know she is worth the pain to be her. I know you dream about future you/me. Your mind wanders during the day about her, about her life, her married and children’s live. You know she is worth fighting and waiting for. You do know that.. right?

People will read this and have opinions. Is she really writing a post about herself, in second and third person? But there will be those who understand. Those who speak to themselves the exact same.

Present me, I really hope you continue being strong enough and make it through the storm. Make it through the storm to meet me. I cannot wait for you to live this perfect life you always imagined and still imagine. You are me and I am you. I am figment of your imagination that you are waiting to live.

I promise you, future you is worth all of this heartache.

Love present you, dreaming of future you while writing this.

I was looking for a picture to add on this post, when I came by this little blog post. I love it. I am going to write a proper one, but a more private one just for me. I think we should all do it. A nice reflection for a years or two’s time.

Dear Past Me, Present Me, and Future Me

I also, had to add in this picture because I LOVE to procrastinate; so future me, I hope I haven’t pissed you off too much!

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You (I) are (am) your (my) own enemy.

Blog, Feelings, Uncategorized

Who knew I would end up being my worst enemy, without even trying.

I love myself, I really do; but I hate myself more. -please no sympathy- 

From a young age, I have always planned my life in such detail and I have never had a “plan b” and what a mistake that was (the not having a plan b/back up plan). I was never prepared for a rainy day. For life to not go my way.

I just took a really big breath and I could feel my heart literally being torn apart.. AGAIN.. BY ME.  I am fighting the tears. What is the point of crying?

See, I had always planned my life out and never believed it would go any differently to what I had planned. Especially for it to have turned out to be all of my fears and nightmares. But, boy oh boy was I wrong. Everything started going wrong at age 14/15, but I ignored everything. Who cared? I was only in high school. What did it matter? I still had so much to look forward to. So I brushed everything off. Another mistake.

So here I was, finishing college and realising that the plans I had made when I was in primary school were not going to happen. (I always knew from an early age, the path I wanted to take.)  I had tried my best after college to continue pursuing my dreams, the little girl in me told me not to quit. YOU WILL GET THERE.  3 years on, life is just spiralling out of control! The little girl in me, the little girl with the big smile I wanted to make so proud, who told me I could do this; you lied.. I lied to myself.

I work so hard, I really do; and it is never enough. The last few months of 2016 and this year have been the hardest months of my lives and continue to be so. They have taught me how truly strong I am. I am proud of myself for that and that alone.

I want to be able to say I know better is coming; but I am beginning to doubt it. I do not see myself making it through this year. I really believed this was going to be my greatest year; once again.. I lied to myself, I am my own worst enemy, I continue to betray myself, I continue to break my own heart.

I don’t even know what this post is about, I have changed it twice but went with the flow of whatever I felt to write and this is it.

People always tell you things get better, but do they? I feel that people do not know how to give advice and do not know how to listen properly but instead just give empty advice. I hate that. I never open up about what really is going on because I have witnessed it a number of times people being given empty advice, empty promises, shit support and I do not want to open up, break down my walls to then be angry at myself for opening up to  the wrong person. So who is the right person?

I envy people who have found someone they can truly open up to about EVERYTHING and that person has still stuck around and has actually supported them and been everything they’ve needed them to be. I am envious of that. I haven’t even opened up to myself? I know there is so much more going on within me, that I choose to ignore.

I have made a promise to myself. One of these days, I promise to open up to myself. To listen and understand my scars and pain. Because I need to be happy within, not fake happy but true happiness. To feel peace and a breeze of fresh air within.

I will wait a life time for that. 

13 Reasons Why.

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I had came across 13RW on Netflix, but wasn’t phased by it whatsoever.. until I was constantly seeing tweets about it. Alex this, Hannah that, oh but Clay, how could Bryce.. I became intrigued, what was so fascinating about these characters?

So, I started it. I had wanted to read the book two years ago, not a real urge but I had been interested in the story line of the book. So there I was wishing I had read the book but instead was watching the TV series.

I feel like I have so much to say, in such little time, to such a small audience, so I’ll keep it short.

Suicide, depression, anxiety, rape, sexual consent, sexual abuse, bullying, loneliness. These are all involved in 13RW. I found myself looking and questioning myself on my own situations, other peoples situations, wondering about their story, wondering if they cared about my story, thinking about how a passing comment I have ever made would have imprinted on someones mind and body.

I fell in love with Clay, almost instantly. (I have a thing about falling in love with characters, mainly characters that come from a book authors mind. I feel a connection with them. I sympathise with them. I am with them through the journey.)

See, the thing about 13RW; it portrays to us what happens in high school, how high school experiences can have such an impact on one persons life, how each person has their own story. I have learned something so important watching 13RW. There is always a story between people but the reason each story end’s up being slightly different is because “it’s their truth”. And because of this, they aren’t wrong (unless they are completely lying, then well, yes they’re wrong)

I wish I could go in-depth about how 13RW made me feel. How Hannah made me feel. How I fell lost with Clay. How betrayed I felt by Justin. How sorry I felt with Alex. Each character I shared an emotion.

One of the scene’s Clay’s old friend (I forgot her name) said something a long the lines of people who commit suicide are weak. That sentence angered me, it broke me. People who commit suicide are not weak. Those who commit suicide are those who feel there is no other way out, they want peace, they want the pain to end, they are numb. Their way out it is ending it all. To come to the conclusion of taking your own life takes the world of bravery. Please understand I am not approving suicide, I am simply asking that you do not call those who have committed suicide weak. You do not know their story,  their pain, their reasons etc. Be mindful of your words. They are in a battle with themselves and the world.

13RW is a series I believe everyone should watch. It explains suicide, depression and anxiety in such a different outlook. As to what each character played part in someone taking their life, as to what comments, what actions can have such an impact on someone. How being there for someone as a friend can go a long way. Season 1 is now finished and I am heartbroken with the last episode. There are scenes that I would of loved to change, certain things I did not agree with. I wish I could state and go in-depth as to what I would of changed, but I don’t want to give any spoilers for those may be wishing to watch it or are currently watching it.But all in all it is a great TV series, I wish I could compare it to the book but I can’t.

I hope that anyone who reads this and has any feeling about the post, good or bad will know they can send me a message and express themselves. To those who feel like they don’t have anyone, you have me. You are not alone as much as you may feel it, you have a friend in me.