2017, what a horrible year you have been. Filled with nothing but thunder, lightening and gloom.
Have you missed me? I wouldn’t have. All I ever write on here is blue days. I left for a month with the hopes of things turning brighter and me coming back to tell all of you all of my months joys; but sorry, life has it’s own plans for me.
I wanted better. I ached for a better year. Just once. You would think I am asking for the impossible?
December 2016, I was leaving that year with the hopes of a brighter year ahead of me. My oh my, how I dreamt about how amazing 2017 was going to be for me, how heartbreaking. Oh how I lied and betrayed myself, yet again.
How do you keep on fighting with nothing good to show? How do you remain positive with only negativity to show? How do you continue a constant battle within yourself? How much longer can oneself keep on faking it? But I guess it’s fake it until you make or break, right?
2017 has been one of the worst years of my living life. I feel so terrible. I feel terrible knowing I am still alive, yet complaining while others are no longer living. But I cannot help the way I feel, I cannot help the heaviness of my heart. I wish my heart wasn’t as heavy, it is unbearable. Every breath is painful, it is like someone is squeezing my heart.
You can honestly feel your own heart breaking.
With everything going on, it amazes me how I still have so much love within me, so much to give out.
I had said I was going to delete this blog, purely because I am afraid, petrified of those who know me finding it; judging and questioning me. Especially looking at me as if I am weak. I am far from weak. Although, at the same time I feel a sense of peace when I blog. I can blog anonymously without those reading knowing who I am. I like the idea of people reading me and painting themselves a picture of me. I hope that picture is never of weak person.
What a lonely and scary place our minds can be.
I hope I make it to the end of the year with some good news.