I am back.

Blog, Feelings, Uncategorized

2017, what a horrible year you have been. Filled with nothing but thunder, lightening and gloom.

Have you missed me? I wouldn’t have. All I ever write on here is blue days. I left for a month with the hopes of things turning brighter and me coming back to tell all of you all of my months joys; but sorry, life has it’s own plans for me.

I wanted better. I ached for a better year. Just once. You would think I am asking for the impossible?

December 2016, I was leaving that year with the hopes of a brighter year ahead of me. My oh my, how I dreamt about how amazing 2017 was going to be for me, how heartbreaking. Oh how I lied and betrayed myself, yet again.

How do you keep on fighting with nothing good to show? How do you remain positive with only negativity to show? How do you continue a constant battle within yourself? How much longer can oneself keep on faking it? But I guess it’s fake it until you make or break, right?

2017 has been one of the worst years of my living life. I feel so terrible. I feel terrible knowing I am still alive, yet complaining while others are no longer living. But I cannot help the way I feel, I cannot help the heaviness of my heart. I wish my heart wasn’t as heavy, it is unbearable. Every breath is painful, it is like someone is squeezing my heart.

You can honestly feel your own heart breaking. 

With everything going on, it amazes me how I still have so much love within me, so much to give out.

I had said I was going to delete this blog, purely because I am afraid, petrified of those who know me finding it; judging and questioning me. Especially looking at me as if I am weak. I am far from weak. Although, at the same time I feel a sense of peace when I blog. I can blog anonymously without those reading knowing who I am. I like the idea of people reading me and painting themselves a picture of me. I hope that picture is never of  weak person.

What a lonely and scary place our minds can be.

I hope I make it to the end of the year with some good news.

Backpacking

Blog, Feelings, Uncategorized

Do you ever just want to pack a bag full of clothes, something sentimental and just go. You don’t even know where you are planning to go but you just know you want to go.

I love the thought of going somewhere new, a whole different country where no one knows my name and starting fresh. I dream about it sometimes..

The endless possibilities of being able to start all over again. Erasing the last years of my past and start a clean slate. Not only because of the past hurt but because of wanting to start a new adventure and seeing where it’ll take me.

Lately I have been thinking of buying a cheap camper van and starting an adventure that I hope would one day lead me to the other side of the world. 

Of course, I would still be the same person. Of course my problems aren’t going to stay where I am leaving. That isn’t what I am trying to accomplish here. More the fact and thought of being in a camper van alone, travelling. Experiencing new cities, new cultures, new surroundings, foods etctera. 

I am not afraid of picking up my bag and going, that isn’t what’s holding me back. It’s the money. If I woke up one day to a shit load of money in my account, I would leave and not even think twice about it. 

I am yet to find somewhere I belong, I hunger for it.

Fear definitely isn’t holding me back, life’s too short not to go on adventures. 

This would be the perfect time to pick up and go. I don’t know, I am just tired of the country I am living in and feeling STUCK. That’s what I feel stuck. 

I am sure there isn’t a perfect country. Honestly I believe I live in one of the best countries in the world, but I am just tired of it, you know? I just want to drive and drive and drive and drive! 

Maybe one day. Maybe not tomorrow, this year, next year but maybe one day! And to that, I’ll hold on dearly! 

The death of friendships.

Uncategorized

Isn’t it crazy how you grieve the death of friendship?

The loss of a friendship is always painful. The most painful being the cause of drifting apart. The reason I say this is because a friendship dies because you have drifted apart, so it’s not like when you have an argument, or the other friend or yourself has caused something to end the friendship. These types of endings always have an understanding because there is a CAUSE. Although when a friendship just drifts and ends it is painful, you don’t understand why, there isn’t any closure.

There are certain friendships that end and truly break your heart. You look back at all the memories and begin to laugh alone, that laughter soon turns into sadness. How? When? Why?.. I don’t understand? When you’ve attempted to hold on to a friendship and they are SCREAMING with their actions and eyes LET IT GO. Darling, let it go. You can’t be the only one fighting. EVERY relationship is two sided and when it becomes one sided it is only right you let it go.

I never knew a friendship could leave you heartbroken, grieving. Ugh. I always believe I am over it, but deep down I’m not. I am angry at their actions, I am angry at the fact they don’t care to fight for our friendship like I do, I am angry for still caring. But you see.. there is only so much a human being can take until they loose their fucking shit. And I am close to loosing my shit with people. As I said in one of my blogs, I burn bridges without an explanation. You know why? Because when I was holding onto that friendship, they did not care, so when you’ve got to the point you no longer care, you’ve lit up the bridge, that’s when all of a sudden they’re ready? No.

You have to learn to be your own best friend. It isn’t always easy, especially when you’re battling with your own mind, but my darling you have to learn to. People will let you down, they will fuck you over, they will burn you, they will leave scars on your bodies; it is a part of life; but never let it become a constant pain no matter how much you once loved that friendship or them.

I am learning to be happy ALONE. I am learning that being alone is greater than 10+ fake friends. Friends who don’t even really know or understand you. I am learning to be comfortable with being alone. Anyone who is willing to walk out of your life, isn’t worth chasing. Also God removes people out of our lives once they have served their purpose. I truly believe this. It’s mind-blowing. This isn’t the case for EVERY ONE in your life, but when someone leave your life, have that outlook on it.

Learn to be alone, learn your worth in every relationship.

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