Backpacking

Blog, Feelings, Uncategorized

Do you ever just want to pack a bag full of clothes, something sentimental and just go. You don’t even know where you are planning to go but you just know you want to go.

I love the thought of going somewhere new, a whole different country where no one knows my name and starting fresh. I dream about it sometimes..

The endless possibilities of being able to start all over again. Erasing the last years of my past and start a clean slate. Not only because of the past hurt but because of wanting to start a new adventure and seeing where it’ll take me.

Lately I have been thinking of buying a cheap camper van and starting an adventure that I hope would one day lead me to the other side of the world. 

Of course, I would still be the same person. Of course my problems aren’t going to stay where I am leaving. That isn’t what I am trying to accomplish here. More the fact and thought of being in a camper van alone, travelling. Experiencing new cities, new cultures, new surroundings, foods etctera. 

I am not afraid of picking up my bag and going, that isn’t what’s holding me back. It’s the money. If I woke up one day to a shit load of money in my account, I would leave and not even think twice about it. 

I am yet to find somewhere I belong, I hunger for it.

Fear definitely isn’t holding me back, life’s too short not to go on adventures. 

This would be the perfect time to pick up and go. I don’t know, I am just tired of the country I am living in and feeling STUCK. That’s what I feel stuck. 

I am sure there isn’t a perfect country. Honestly I believe I live in one of the best countries in the world, but I am just tired of it, you know? I just want to drive and drive and drive and drive! 

Maybe one day. Maybe not tomorrow, this year, next year but maybe one day! And to that, I’ll hold on dearly! 

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01:46am

Blog, Feelings

Sleepless nights are becoming the norm for me.

I just want to be able to go to sleep at a reasonable time. A time before midnight, like a normal person. Instead some nights I’m awake until I can hear the birds chirping, the alarm clocks ringing, the sound of slammed doors of people leaving for work, the roaring of car engines; and I wonder how I have stayed up the whole night.

It’s not all bad being awake at this time. It’s a lovely feeling just embracing this time, embracing how quiet everything seems to be, how peaceful the world sounds.

I tend to force myself to sleep most nights, well mornings because it is the morning. When I do wake up and face myself in the mirror, I question myself as to why I have bags underneath my eyes? Don’t be so stupid, you haven’t had a good night sleep in months. The dangers of your mind not wanting to switch off. 

I sometimes wonder. Those like me who suffer from insomnia, do we force ourselves to stay awake because we’re scared of sleeping and dreaming? Most nights I dream of a different life to the one I have. I wake up and I am reminded it was all a dream. Maybe I’m tired of tricking my mind; of tricking my mind into dreaming about an amazing but completely different life to the one I am living. To where all my senses are alive in my dreams; from the fresh smell of coffee to the soft touch of rain, of this imaginary lover of mine. It’s crazy how our minds work isn’t it? How we can trick ourselves when dreaming. How we can feel things to be so real.

My eyes are heavy right now, I could easily fall asleep, although I’m fighting it and so is my body! The constant battle.

I tried sleep tea, I believe it to be a myth. It doesn’t help you sleep. It tricks you into believing you will fall asleep, but you don’t. Although what does work is sleeping tablets, I don’t advice them as you can become addicted but some people are left with no choice! These do knock you out and you do feel like you’ve had the best sleep in or been asleep for years, literally. Please seek professional advice before trying these! 

What I love the most about sleeping is dreaming. I can never fall asleep without dreaming, especially without choosing my dream while I nod off. That’s what I love the most. I choose a life to dream about and I eventually fall asleep, I truly believe I fall asleep due to all the hard work my mind has had to work to make my dreams believable. But in that moment, that dream is so real. And I know, I said about being scared to sleep and dream because it isn’t reality. But in that moment, while I am dreaming and sleeping, I have no real life worries, I am content. That’s what I hold onto, what I love the most about sleeping/dreaming; how truly content I am. 

I love watching the sky turn from dark to light. How beautiful. Look what God created. I am in awe.

I always feel so calm and relaxed before sleeping. Even when my mind is accelerating 100mph; because eventually you know your eyes are going to close!

In the morning or in my case the afternoon I will be awake and blessed to see another day! I can’t think of anything more beautiful than witnessing and being blessed to see another day.

It’s now 02:14am and I’m going to force myself to sleep, force myself to dream.

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