Wanders..

Blog, Feelings, Uncategorized

-edited version

I am wide awake, wrapped up in my pyjamas listening to the queen Adele, I miss you. One of my favourite songs from her album. Well actually one of my all time favourite songs. I honestly can’t even explain how it makes me feel.  This song, it has so much depth to it. I wonder what the meaning was behind the lyrics for her.

I got a little carried away with talking about Adele. So here is what I have come to write.

Get ready for a long post; I think this may be my first ever long post, so enjoy. My heart longs for the day I will fall in love and be loved.

In this day and age, it seems as if  people are afraid of falling in love. Their minds run to all that can go wrong before the relationship has even been allowed to blossom. What a shame. I would be lying if I said I didn’t understand, you are about to give your whole heart to someone.

Heartbreak is inevitable, we must learn this, we must begin to accept it. Our hearts break from numerous relationships, from our relationship with our parents, to our friends, to objects. We shouldn’t fear heartbreak but rather embrace it. 

I have never been in love, one upon a time I really did think I was. But I was young and foolish and I had mistaken lust for love. (A common mistake.)

I want to know what love is, like true love. I remember a time I believed we love every one the same but we don’t, love differs with each relationship; whether that being a sibling, an object, a family member, a friend or a partner etc.

I want to know and understand what it is like to be madly and deeply in love with someone. To run my fingers through the structure of their bodies. To learn them beyond their imagination. I imagine love being so warming.

I have read a few quotes that excite me about love. I am going to search for them, so bare with me.. (not as if you really have to wait, but I’m exiting this page and going on safari.)

She asked ‘you are in love, what does love look like’ to which i replied ‘like everything I’ve ever lost come back to me. ~ Nayyirah Waheed 

Being with him made me want to make my own dreams, discover my own path. I was my best self when I was with him. ~ Heather Anastasiu

Okay, so I couldn’t find all the ones I love but these are two of my favourites.

The first one gives me goosebumps. How beautiful? The thought of loving someone could make you feel like everything you ever lost coming back to you in the form of love. That they could give you so much love, that it fills all the empty spaces you feel within yourself.

Love is a gamble, it really is. You’re giving your heart to someone and in that moment they have your heart in the palm of their hands. They can either crush it or match their heart with it. You’re allowing your heart to be loved and for your heart to love.  The pain of a heartbreak is physical. Once upon a time I used to hear people saying they could literally feel their heart breaking. -impossible-. I used to think, “don’t be absurd.” Although I began to painfully realise that you truly can feel your heart breaking, the aching, the pounding and the shattering is so loud you almost believe others can hear it.

I want to fall asleep next to another body, a body of someone I love. I want to watch their eyes close whilst they fight sleep because they too are gassing into my eyes, to watch and hear them breathing. To wake up the next morning with their presence. To think how lucky I am.

Love isn’t meant to be perfect.

I think I long to be in a relationship and to be in love purely because I am surrounded by so many people who are and how happy they seem when they speak about their partners. I want to know what being in love is like. I want to know what it’s like to have someone love me, I want to know someone is scared to loose me, someone is proud to have me as their partner. Uh my heart longs to be in love.

Love to me is like being “home”. Most of love our homes, it is our safe place. I believe as humans we find homes and safe havens in others too. 

I will wait a lifetime, figuratively speaking for my one, the right one, “the love of my life”. I have so much love to give and so much to offer as a partner, so when I get angry, lonely or upset about why I am still single I remember that I am destined for someone who deserves me, my heart and all I have to offer and remember to trust God and his timing.

Ugh, I hate third wheeling. I hate seeing public affection, I can’t stand using tinder and the other numerous dating sites, I hate hearing about love stories. I never go cinemas to watch romantic genre movies because they portray “happy endings” and I am still waiting for mine and also the movies LIE. Do not get confused, I do not believe in movie and storybooks “happy endings”. I know exactly what type of “happy ending” I await for.

When you are waiting for your “happy ending” remember to keep it realistic.

If you could separate my heart and my body, you would see it is only my heart that is longing for love. Other people it’d be both, I can’t explain what I mean, but I understand myself. -laughing-

My heart is longing for another heart to beat the same rhythm. To feel connected. My hearts lonely, it has been for a long while. I believe being in love will make me feel whole. -I am not looking for someone to save me or my heart- but to just simply love me and I can’t wait to go on that adventure.

I daydream about falling in love near enough all day; what if I have set the bar so high? What if love is not everything I have made it out to be?

We have to stop worrying about what may go wrong and just trust ourselves and enjoy the experience. The experience may be life long or temporary, regardless it’s an experience. Embrace it.

I hope if you’re reading this and your single, be open to falling in love. Don’t be scared of it. Enjoy the path that it is going to take you on, whether you look at it as an experience, learning lesson, a memory or following you heart ENJOY IT! 

But my darlings, be wise who you give your heart and time to. They can easily crush it. 

My point is, don’t go into a relationship with negativity. Don’t go into love with your ex past hurt. Don’t go into a relationship with only fears. Don’t go into love for the wrong reasons.

Falling in love is one of the best experience we have the pleasures of experiencing! 

Regardless of what people may say, love is something I looking forward to in my life. Just like being a wife, mother and grandmother.

-These are exciting things to look and wait for. Things to keep me sane.-

Positivity

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Why is it we allow people to bring our moods down? 

I am sick of allowing people to have a hold on my mood; this has such a huge impact on my happiness and well being. A lot of the times people know they have the power of doing this and yet still do it, it’s crazy.

I am such a strong person, a long the way I have lost myself. I have become this weak person. A person who allows people to have such a big impact on my emotions and moods.

The problem I am facing is, the old me was cold but I was never hurt. I was told to open up, to allow people in and the outcome of it was people mistreating me and trying to burn me?

I sometimes laugh to myself; go into my little world. Count, breath, relax. Then the floods of tears come gushing down because of how hard I am holding myself from ending this person with my words. Why must one be tested?

Please, accept my apologise; in regards to the fact that my posts are always so negative. I have looked at all my posts are none of them are completely positive and that is not who I aspire to be. I am going to do WHATEVER it takes to become a positive person; whether that means removing every single person who is deceitful and unworthy of my time. I will be that person I picture myself in 10 years time.

I could do with some Yoga. 

There are things I want to cross off from my bucket list, my before 30 list and I think I am finally at a place where I am ready to do them alone. Put myself out of my comfort zone.

Please, readers! The universe! Please send positive vibes towards me to stop me from unleashing the beast inside of me on people! (they do ask for it.) Believe me, it takes me a a cunting lot to explode.

This year really has been a wild one, an eye opening one, a roller-coaster damn it was meant to be the best one yet! I say that every year, but I really believed it last December.

Pst.. Does anyone mediate? And if you do, does it help?

And breath! The sense of relief off your shoulders when you right is beautiful!

I will probably delete my blog permanently next month. As much as I love writing these blog posts, a part of me feels a sense of shame as in I am expressing my weaknesses of situations occurring. So here is to the final month of Goodbye HiddenXTruth!

Perfectly Imperfect

Blog, Feelings

I am perfectly imperfect; –I am in love with some of my flaws.-

Refuse to apologise for your flaws, they have made you, YOU.

Your flaws do not define you as a soul. But they have shaped you.

Learn to love your flaws, learn to accept your flaws.

You are not what someone defines you; due to your flaws.

There isn’t any human being without flaws, some have just learned to be best-friends with theirs; learn to do the same, so no one may be able to put you down.

Those flaws you hate so much; they are flaws someone has or will fall in love with.

“Once you accept your flaws, no one can use them against you.”

We have to learn to love ourselves. Every single inch of our bodies and souls. We need to learn to ignore what people think of us. We become so obsessed with the way people view us that we loose ourselves. There is a person in this world for every single one of us, and guess what? That person is going to love every single inch of you. The good and the bad. We all have our flaws, even those who seem “perfect to us”

Loving myself is something I am still learning to do and so is loving my flaws. Some flaws I am in love with and some I hate. 

But I am really trying to learn to love them all. I am who I am.

We’re always told by our parents how perfect we are, how beautiful we are. Do we believe them no? They are our parents, of course they have to say that. But no, what they say is true. Because they created us. So all they see is perfection and beauty. They want that to be instilled in us when we are young but our society changes it all.

Suddenly “YOU ARE LYING MUM, THE CHILDREN AT SCHOOL DON’T THINK I AM.”

What a shame. What a real shame that the words our parents say mean nothing but those of bullies and friends and boyfriends/girlfriends leave us scarred for life. Leave us believing every single words.

Love your flaws – by OPRAH. The Queen, of course.  (This post, by OPRAH, gave me so much life. Read it.)

“Talk to yourself as you would your best friend.” – Victoria Beckham

Another queen, good role model is the beautiful VB. This is something I have learned to do. I talk to myself like I would my best friend, because I am my own best friend. I have had talks with myself about learning to love my flaws.

Learning to love your flaws instead of beating yourself up about them is so difficult but trust me, you will feel so much better about yourself. Hating your flaws will lead to hating your self. Also.. an important question? Do you hate your flaws because you hate them? Or do you hate your flaws because someone has pointed them out to you in disgust?

I guarantee you 9/10 it’s no2. Just remember they also have flaws.

Remember.. “your flaws are perfect for the heart that is meant to love you.” and that is all that matters. 

You (I) are (am) your (my) own enemy.

Blog, Feelings, Uncategorized

Who knew I would end up being my worst enemy, without even trying.

I love myself, I really do; but I hate myself more. -please no sympathy- 

From a young age, I have always planned my life in such detail and I have never had a “plan b” and what a mistake that was (the not having a plan b/back up plan). I was never prepared for a rainy day. For life to not go my way.

I just took a really big breath and I could feel my heart literally being torn apart.. AGAIN.. BY ME.  I am fighting the tears. What is the point of crying?

See, I had always planned my life out and never believed it would go any differently to what I had planned. Especially for it to have turned out to be all of my fears and nightmares. But, boy oh boy was I wrong. Everything started going wrong at age 14/15, but I ignored everything. Who cared? I was only in high school. What did it matter? I still had so much to look forward to. So I brushed everything off. Another mistake.

So here I was, finishing college and realising that the plans I had made when I was in primary school were not going to happen. (I always knew from an early age, the path I wanted to take.)  I had tried my best after college to continue pursuing my dreams, the little girl in me told me not to quit. YOU WILL GET THERE.  3 years on, life is just spiralling out of control! The little girl in me, the little girl with the big smile I wanted to make so proud, who told me I could do this; you lied.. I lied to myself.

I work so hard, I really do; and it is never enough. The last few months of 2016 and this year have been the hardest months of my lives and continue to be so. They have taught me how truly strong I am. I am proud of myself for that and that alone.

I want to be able to say I know better is coming; but I am beginning to doubt it. I do not see myself making it through this year. I really believed this was going to be my greatest year; once again.. I lied to myself, I am my own worst enemy, I continue to betray myself, I continue to break my own heart.

I don’t even know what this post is about, I have changed it twice but went with the flow of whatever I felt to write and this is it.

People always tell you things get better, but do they? I feel that people do not know how to give advice and do not know how to listen properly but instead just give empty advice. I hate that. I never open up about what really is going on because I have witnessed it a number of times people being given empty advice, empty promises, shit support and I do not want to open up, break down my walls to then be angry at myself for opening up to  the wrong person. So who is the right person?

I envy people who have found someone they can truly open up to about EVERYTHING and that person has still stuck around and has actually supported them and been everything they’ve needed them to be. I am envious of that. I haven’t even opened up to myself? I know there is so much more going on within me, that I choose to ignore.

I have made a promise to myself. One of these days, I promise to open up to myself. To listen and understand my scars and pain. Because I need to be happy within, not fake happy but true happiness. To feel peace and a breeze of fresh air within.

I will wait a life time for that. 

Books (a happy post!)

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What I have always loved about books, is the adventures they take you on. How in your mind you paint your very own picture, you visualise the characters; it’s almost like you’re right there in the story with them! I always loved/still do love that feeling.

You begin the book, not knowing what to expect. I feel like with movies, you already have an assumption of how the story line will go and most the time you end up being right. You don’t have any real emotion with the characters. Although with books, you still do assume but I have came to a realisation you are unlikely to guess how the story ends and even if you do end up guessing, there are numerous little twists and turns that you weren’t expecting. You have an attachment to the character/s.

*giggles to oneself*. I always end up falling in love with a character. This happens more with movies and TV series, just because I don’t read as much as I used to. Why is it that we do end up falling in love with these characters?

I always have a warm feeling reading romance books, they’re my favourite. How funny is it that I HATE romantic movies but love romance books? I always end up falling with the male characters in the books as if one day I am going to meet them?

Reading books is amazing! You literally are taken on an adventure! You go into your own little bubble and who doesn’t love an escape to their little happy bubble! I hope to fall in love with a new character soon, go on an adventure with them etc.. so if you have any great book suggestions regardless of the genre, please comment.

X

The silence.

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The never ending silence.

So, I had to edit what I originally wrote.

I really am trying to learn how to be alone, to accept it, to not ache for others but it’s hard. The silence is unbearable. I rely on my TV and music to keep me distracted and it works, but it works for a short period of time and then that distraction ends. You catch yourself realising you have finished over 4 movies but haven’t really watched those movies because subconsciously you’re mind is somewhere else. And there you are, slipping back into that LOUD silence.

I often find myself day dreaming about waking up in a new country where NO ONE knows my name, I have been given a second chance of re-starting my life, learning from my mistakes, learning not to trust so easily, not to rely so hard, not to love so unconditionally. How wonderful would it be to wake up in a new country where no one knows you?

(I was about to encounter a HUGE MISTAKE; I was about to unmask my identity, my real name!)  I have chosen to stay private and anonymous for so many reasons, which I will cover in a blog post… eventually. Maybe if I hadn’t trusted and opened up to so many people, it would be more bearable. Do you know what it feels like not being able to rely on anyone but yourself?

I see others with large group of friends or even small groups of friends and I envy them. I used to be them, I always thought I would be them but here I am with only 4 people I believe I can truly count on and even them I have my doubts. Annoyingly I am having to turn my laptop away as I have a nosy parent, well really not nosy perhaps worried but this isn’t for their eyes. So I open a tab up and I am scrolling through Facebook and what a coincidence I find this article:

To the friend I thought my kids would call auntie one day.

This post, is everything and more that I feel about certain friendships. Only a few I really am heartbroken that ended. I feel like they could of helped me through this. The only difference I would say is that I did work for my friendships but I got exhausted.

I promise, my blogs will involve happy posts sooner or later!

I haven’t really found a way to finish my blogs, lols so goodbye for now!

X

18:21

Welcome my darlings;

So I thought I would start a blog post, in hope people will be able to relate to me. Find this as a form of escape? As in taking a big sigh of relief knowing that out there, there is someone going through the same or similar.  My blog post is also an advice line so you can always hit me up! Anyways for now I am off, I will be back with the first of my blogs.

Xo

 

 

 

 

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