Backpacking

Blog, Feelings, Uncategorized

Do you ever just want to pack a bag full of clothes, something sentimental and just go. You don’t even know where you are planning to go but you just know you want to go.

I love the thought of going somewhere new, a whole different country where no one knows my name and starting fresh. I dream about it sometimes..

The endless possibilities of being able to start all over again. Erasing the last years of my past and start a clean slate. Not only because of the past hurt but because of wanting to start a new adventure and seeing where it’ll take me.

Lately I have been thinking of buying a cheap camper van and starting an adventure that I hope would one day lead me to the other side of the world. 

Of course, I would still be the same person. Of course my problems aren’t going to stay where I am leaving. That isn’t what I am trying to accomplish here. More the fact and thought of being in a camper van alone, travelling. Experiencing new cities, new cultures, new surroundings, foods etctera. 

I am not afraid of picking up my bag and going, that isn’t what’s holding me back. It’s the money. If I woke up one day to a shit load of money in my account, I would leave and not even think twice about it. 

I am yet to find somewhere I belong, I hunger for it.

Fear definitely isn’t holding me back, life’s too short not to go on adventures. 

This would be the perfect time to pick up and go. I don’t know, I am just tired of the country I am living in and feeling STUCK. That’s what I feel stuck. 

I am sure there isn’t a perfect country. Honestly I believe I live in one of the best countries in the world, but I am just tired of it, you know? I just want to drive and drive and drive and drive! 

Maybe one day. Maybe not tomorrow, this year, next year but maybe one day! And to that, I’ll hold on dearly! 

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Wanders..

Blog, Feelings, Uncategorized

-edited version

I am wide awake, wrapped up in my pyjamas listening to the queen Adele, I miss you. One of my favourite songs from her album. Well actually one of my all time favourite songs. I honestly can’t even explain how it makes me feel.  This song, it has so much depth to it. I wonder what the meaning was behind the lyrics for her.

I got a little carried away with talking about Adele. So here is what I have come to write.

Get ready for a long post; I think this may be my first ever long post, so enjoy. My heart longs for the day I will fall in love and be loved.

In this day and age, it seems as if  people are afraid of falling in love. Their minds run to all that can go wrong before the relationship has even been allowed to blossom. What a shame. I would be lying if I said I didn’t understand, you are about to give your whole heart to someone.

Heartbreak is inevitable, we must learn this, we must begin to accept it. Our hearts break from numerous relationships, from our relationship with our parents, to our friends, to objects. We shouldn’t fear heartbreak but rather embrace it. 

I have never been in love, one upon a time I really did think I was. But I was young and foolish and I had mistaken lust for love. (A common mistake.)

I want to know what love is, like true love. I remember a time I believed we love every one the same but we don’t, love differs with each relationship; whether that being a sibling, an object, a family member, a friend or a partner etc.

I want to know and understand what it is like to be madly and deeply in love with someone. To run my fingers through the structure of their bodies. To learn them beyond their imagination. I imagine love being so warming.

I have read a few quotes that excite me about love. I am going to search for them, so bare with me.. (not as if you really have to wait, but I’m exiting this page and going on safari.)

She asked ‘you are in love, what does love look like’ to which i replied ‘like everything I’ve ever lost come back to me. ~ Nayyirah Waheed 

Being with him made me want to make my own dreams, discover my own path. I was my best self when I was with him. ~ Heather Anastasiu

Okay, so I couldn’t find all the ones I love but these are two of my favourites.

The first one gives me goosebumps. How beautiful? The thought of loving someone could make you feel like everything you ever lost coming back to you in the form of love. That they could give you so much love, that it fills all the empty spaces you feel within yourself.

Love is a gamble, it really is. You’re giving your heart to someone and in that moment they have your heart in the palm of their hands. They can either crush it or match their heart with it. You’re allowing your heart to be loved and for your heart to love.  The pain of a heartbreak is physical. Once upon a time I used to hear people saying they could literally feel their heart breaking. -impossible-. I used to think, “don’t be absurd.” Although I began to painfully realise that you truly can feel your heart breaking, the aching, the pounding and the shattering is so loud you almost believe others can hear it.

I want to fall asleep next to another body, a body of someone I love. I want to watch their eyes close whilst they fight sleep because they too are gassing into my eyes, to watch and hear them breathing. To wake up the next morning with their presence. To think how lucky I am.

Love isn’t meant to be perfect.

I think I long to be in a relationship and to be in love purely because I am surrounded by so many people who are and how happy they seem when they speak about their partners. I want to know what being in love is like. I want to know what it’s like to have someone love me, I want to know someone is scared to loose me, someone is proud to have me as their partner. Uh my heart longs to be in love.

Love to me is like being “home”. Most of love our homes, it is our safe place. I believe as humans we find homes and safe havens in others too. 

I will wait a lifetime, figuratively speaking for my one, the right one, “the love of my life”. I have so much love to give and so much to offer as a partner, so when I get angry, lonely or upset about why I am still single I remember that I am destined for someone who deserves me, my heart and all I have to offer and remember to trust God and his timing.

Ugh, I hate third wheeling. I hate seeing public affection, I can’t stand using tinder and the other numerous dating sites, I hate hearing about love stories. I never go cinemas to watch romantic genre movies because they portray “happy endings” and I am still waiting for mine and also the movies LIE. Do not get confused, I do not believe in movie and storybooks “happy endings”. I know exactly what type of “happy ending” I await for.

When you are waiting for your “happy ending” remember to keep it realistic.

If you could separate my heart and my body, you would see it is only my heart that is longing for love. Other people it’d be both, I can’t explain what I mean, but I understand myself. -laughing-

My heart is longing for another heart to beat the same rhythm. To feel connected. My hearts lonely, it has been for a long while. I believe being in love will make me feel whole. -I am not looking for someone to save me or my heart- but to just simply love me and I can’t wait to go on that adventure.

I daydream about falling in love near enough all day; what if I have set the bar so high? What if love is not everything I have made it out to be?

We have to stop worrying about what may go wrong and just trust ourselves and enjoy the experience. The experience may be life long or temporary, regardless it’s an experience. Embrace it.

I hope if you’re reading this and your single, be open to falling in love. Don’t be scared of it. Enjoy the path that it is going to take you on, whether you look at it as an experience, learning lesson, a memory or following you heart ENJOY IT! 

But my darlings, be wise who you give your heart and time to. They can easily crush it. 

My point is, don’t go into a relationship with negativity. Don’t go into love with your ex past hurt. Don’t go into a relationship with only fears. Don’t go into love for the wrong reasons.

Falling in love is one of the best experience we have the pleasures of experiencing! 

Regardless of what people may say, love is something I looking forward to in my life. Just like being a wife, mother and grandmother.

-These are exciting things to look and wait for. Things to keep me sane.-

Positivity

Blog, Feelings, Uncategorized

Why is it we allow people to bring our moods down? 

I am sick of allowing people to have a hold on my mood; this has such a huge impact on my happiness and well being. A lot of the times people know they have the power of doing this and yet still do it, it’s crazy.

I am such a strong person, a long the way I have lost myself. I have become this weak person. A person who allows people to have such a big impact on my emotions and moods.

The problem I am facing is, the old me was cold but I was never hurt. I was told to open up, to allow people in and the outcome of it was people mistreating me and trying to burn me?

I sometimes laugh to myself; go into my little world. Count, breath, relax. Then the floods of tears come gushing down because of how hard I am holding myself from ending this person with my words. Why must one be tested?

Please, accept my apologise; in regards to the fact that my posts are always so negative. I have looked at all my posts are none of them are completely positive and that is not who I aspire to be. I am going to do WHATEVER it takes to become a positive person; whether that means removing every single person who is deceitful and unworthy of my time. I will be that person I picture myself in 10 years time.

I could do with some Yoga. 

There are things I want to cross off from my bucket list, my before 30 list and I think I am finally at a place where I am ready to do them alone. Put myself out of my comfort zone.

Please, readers! The universe! Please send positive vibes towards me to stop me from unleashing the beast inside of me on people! (they do ask for it.) Believe me, it takes me a a cunting lot to explode.

This year really has been a wild one, an eye opening one, a roller-coaster damn it was meant to be the best one yet! I say that every year, but I really believed it last December.

Pst.. Does anyone mediate? And if you do, does it help?

And breath! The sense of relief off your shoulders when you right is beautiful!

I will probably delete my blog permanently next month. As much as I love writing these blog posts, a part of me feels a sense of shame as in I am expressing my weaknesses of situations occurring. So here is to the final month of Goodbye HiddenXTruth!

It is okay, not to be okay!

Blog, Feelings, Uncategorized

Look, life isn’t all sunshine and rainbows. You are going to be tested, you are going to be at your lowest, you are going to rethink your life and it is OKAY not to be okay.

Sometime I think that we forget that we are only humans, that we are allowed to experience different emotions apart from happy and positive ones. We are not weak for those sad and negative emotions. Don’t beat yourself up.

We as a society need to stop telling people “things are going to be okay” “you are going to get through this” all that shit. Honestly? What does that even mean? For someone who is going through so much, those are just blank sentences. Those people you are telling those sentences to have been going through things for a long time and you saying that to them, truly is blank sentences.

We need to find other ways to help each other, to support each other, to listen to each other. We are all so wrapped up in our own lives that all we can offer to someone is “you are going to be okay.”

Anyways, my point is.. it is okay not to be okay. We’re not going to always have good days. Those bad days may last longer than a week, a month, YEARS! But seek advice, professional advice. You would be surprised at how many organisations are out there to help.

Your issue is never TOO little. 

Also, we need to stop telling people “other people have it worse.” Of course they do. There is always going to be someone who is hurting more than you, who is going through more battles than you. Doesn’t mean your battle is any less painful. Pain can not be measured.

I know my blog isn’t the most happiest place; but I have found comfort in writing and most importantly being anonymous. I never thought I would ever write a blog for so many reasons. Especially being found by those who know me, that is still one of my worries! But I am happy to keep writing.

I want my readers to always know, you can reach out to me. I will always be here for any of you. If you need me please please reach out. Whether it is through my blog or through my email. thehiddenxtruth@hotmail.com I am here for you all!

 

 

 

Perfectly Imperfect

Blog, Feelings

I am perfectly imperfect; –I am in love with some of my flaws.-

Refuse to apologise for your flaws, they have made you, YOU.

Your flaws do not define you as a soul. But they have shaped you.

Learn to love your flaws, learn to accept your flaws.

You are not what someone defines you; due to your flaws.

There isn’t any human being without flaws, some have just learned to be best-friends with theirs; learn to do the same, so no one may be able to put you down.

Those flaws you hate so much; they are flaws someone has or will fall in love with.

“Once you accept your flaws, no one can use them against you.”

We have to learn to love ourselves. Every single inch of our bodies and souls. We need to learn to ignore what people think of us. We become so obsessed with the way people view us that we loose ourselves. There is a person in this world for every single one of us, and guess what? That person is going to love every single inch of you. The good and the bad. We all have our flaws, even those who seem “perfect to us”

Loving myself is something I am still learning to do and so is loving my flaws. Some flaws I am in love with and some I hate. 

But I am really trying to learn to love them all. I am who I am.

We’re always told by our parents how perfect we are, how beautiful we are. Do we believe them no? They are our parents, of course they have to say that. But no, what they say is true. Because they created us. So all they see is perfection and beauty. They want that to be instilled in us when we are young but our society changes it all.

Suddenly “YOU ARE LYING MUM, THE CHILDREN AT SCHOOL DON’T THINK I AM.”

What a shame. What a real shame that the words our parents say mean nothing but those of bullies and friends and boyfriends/girlfriends leave us scarred for life. Leave us believing every single words.

Love your flaws – by OPRAH. The Queen, of course.  (This post, by OPRAH, gave me so much life. Read it.)

“Talk to yourself as you would your best friend.” – Victoria Beckham

Another queen, good role model is the beautiful VB. This is something I have learned to do. I talk to myself like I would my best friend, because I am my own best friend. I have had talks with myself about learning to love my flaws.

Learning to love your flaws instead of beating yourself up about them is so difficult but trust me, you will feel so much better about yourself. Hating your flaws will lead to hating your self. Also.. an important question? Do you hate your flaws because you hate them? Or do you hate your flaws because someone has pointed them out to you in disgust?

I guarantee you 9/10 it’s no2. Just remember they also have flaws.

Remember.. “your flaws are perfect for the heart that is meant to love you.” and that is all that matters. 

To the woman I believe you (I) will become.

Blog, Feelings, Uncategorized

Dear future me,

I have faith in present you. I know you doubt yourself. I know you doubt your capability, I know your dreams and hopes have been broken way more than you can even recall. Although future me, your future husband, your future children we are counting on you. Counting on you to make it to those better and sunnier days.

I want you to come back in a year’s time and read this and be at your happiest.  I want you to read this and remember every single emotion, pain and anger you had. I want you to look at how far you have got.

Present you is so inspiring; all these barrier and obstacles that you have faced and still stand here with the hopes of those brighter days. I know you picture future me and you know she is worth the pain to be her. I know you dream about future you/me. Your mind wanders during the day about her, about her life, her married and children’s live. You know she is worth fighting and waiting for. You do know that.. right?

People will read this and have opinions. Is she really writing a post about herself, in second and third person? But there will be those who understand. Those who speak to themselves the exact same.

Present me, I really hope you continue being strong enough and make it through the storm. Make it through the storm to meet me. I cannot wait for you to live this perfect life you always imagined and still imagine. You are me and I am you. I am figment of your imagination that you are waiting to live.

I promise you, future you is worth all of this heartache.

Love present you, dreaming of future you while writing this.

I was looking for a picture to add on this post, when I came by this little blog post. I love it. I am going to write a proper one, but a more private one just for me. I think we should all do it. A nice reflection for a years or two’s time.

Dear Past Me, Present Me, and Future Me

I also, had to add in this picture because I LOVE to procrastinate; so future me, I hope I haven’t pissed you off too much!

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01:46am

Blog, Feelings

Sleepless nights are becoming the norm for me.

I just want to be able to go to sleep at a reasonable time. A time before midnight, like a normal person. Instead some nights I’m awake until I can hear the birds chirping, the alarm clocks ringing, the sound of slammed doors of people leaving for work, the roaring of car engines; and I wonder how I have stayed up the whole night.

It’s not all bad being awake at this time. It’s a lovely feeling just embracing this time, embracing how quiet everything seems to be, how peaceful the world sounds.

I tend to force myself to sleep most nights, well mornings because it is the morning. When I do wake up and face myself in the mirror, I question myself as to why I have bags underneath my eyes? Don’t be so stupid, you haven’t had a good night sleep in months. The dangers of your mind not wanting to switch off. 

I sometimes wonder. Those like me who suffer from insomnia, do we force ourselves to stay awake because we’re scared of sleeping and dreaming? Most nights I dream of a different life to the one I have. I wake up and I am reminded it was all a dream. Maybe I’m tired of tricking my mind; of tricking my mind into dreaming about an amazing but completely different life to the one I am living. To where all my senses are alive in my dreams; from the fresh smell of coffee to the soft touch of rain, of this imaginary lover of mine. It’s crazy how our minds work isn’t it? How we can trick ourselves when dreaming. How we can feel things to be so real.

My eyes are heavy right now, I could easily fall asleep, although I’m fighting it and so is my body! The constant battle.

I tried sleep tea, I believe it to be a myth. It doesn’t help you sleep. It tricks you into believing you will fall asleep, but you don’t. Although what does work is sleeping tablets, I don’t advice them as you can become addicted but some people are left with no choice! These do knock you out and you do feel like you’ve had the best sleep in or been asleep for years, literally. Please seek professional advice before trying these! 

What I love the most about sleeping is dreaming. I can never fall asleep without dreaming, especially without choosing my dream while I nod off. That’s what I love the most. I choose a life to dream about and I eventually fall asleep, I truly believe I fall asleep due to all the hard work my mind has had to work to make my dreams believable. But in that moment, that dream is so real. And I know, I said about being scared to sleep and dream because it isn’t reality. But in that moment, while I am dreaming and sleeping, I have no real life worries, I am content. That’s what I hold onto, what I love the most about sleeping/dreaming; how truly content I am. 

I love watching the sky turn from dark to light. How beautiful. Look what God created. I am in awe.

I always feel so calm and relaxed before sleeping. Even when my mind is accelerating 100mph; because eventually you know your eyes are going to close!

In the morning or in my case the afternoon I will be awake and blessed to see another day! I can’t think of anything more beautiful than witnessing and being blessed to see another day.

It’s now 02:14am and I’m going to force myself to sleep, force myself to dream.

X