The aching.

Blog, Feelings, Uncategorized

Every single bone in my body aches.

I am ridden with guilt, anger, mourning, heartache; every single negative emotion you can think of. Each and every single one of them I am burdened with.

I am so lost.  I never thought I would ever loose myself to the point of no return? When did I even loose myself? At what age did I begin slipping away from the “real me”. How did I not see it coming? How did I not notice the alarming warning signs?

Depression, *chuckles*. I have a love and hate relationship with you my dear. You have grown to be the longest relationship I have ever had. How funny, how funny to explain depression, a mental illness as a relationship. Oh anxiety, do not think for one second I have forgotten about you. How could I ever? You keep me up at night, you have me gasping for air. You have me anxious about events that are days away.

I always thought disappointing others was one of the worst feelings in the world, little did I realise disappointing the younger you was. You sit there thinking about all the plans younger you had planned out for future you, you remember the warm feeling, the glow and sparkle in your eyes. The tears begin to slowly fall down, because all those promises, dreams and goals you had promised future you, you have not achieved. You picture younger you looking at you in such anger, shame, hurt and betrayal.

Do you ever wonder how you have ended up where you are at this present moment? How could I have let my life spiral out of control with such huge dreams? My heart tells me not to hate myself so much for the position I am in because at that time I only saw a good outcome. My mind over takes my heart with anger; “HOW could you have done this to yourself? How are you in this position? You are meant to be more intelligent than this? How stupid could you be?”.

Everything I once ever worked so hard for is slipping away from me. I cannot even begin to fathom the pain and aching I feel. Why me? WHY NOT ME? Do I not deserve it any more than the next person? 

I am lost beyond being saved. 

How sad is it that the only time one can be happy is when asleep. Imagine the day one gets to sleep for eternity. I long for that moment.

Forgive me for my gloomy blogs, I always want to come and write something positive, something wonderful but my life is not there yet.

I hope to make it till the end of the year. Life is cruel. It has a way of pushing you above and beyond your limits.

One of my favourite quotes, from one of my favourite books. “So, this is my life. And I want you to know that I am both happy and sad and I’m still trying to figure out how that could be.”

I am both happy and sad. I have yet to figure out how that could even be possible? Sometimes the sadness takes over the happiness and I cannot see beyond it, today is one of the day I cannot see beyond the sadness, the darkness, the pain, the tears.

My darlings, always ALWAYS know your mental health is so important. For years I neglected it. I am paying for it now, along with all my other mistakes and regrets. Oh how I have so may regrets.

Anyone have a time machine? I would be grateful *chuckles*. I remember this show I used to watch as a child. This boy had a watch, which he could turn back or forth and stop time. Lord knows I would love that watch. I would rewind to my childhood years and write my wrongs.

People say you have to be grateful and happy for all that has happened in your life, it has made you who you are? What if who you are is everything you were frightened or frighted to never be? Looking at myself in the mirror, realising who I am is liking a living nightmare. How am I, me? How is this my life?

I could drink a bottle of old gin to myself right now. Scary to be seeing grey hairs appearing at a young age. They should not be appearing for another 40 years, the joys of stress!

When they warned us adult life was no fun, not all it was cracked up to be. We should have listened, knowing my readers; you all probably did. Shame on me; more fool me.

My darling readers, I ask that you pray for me and my parents, that the following two months will work out in favour for us…. Please. Even if you do not believe in a God, please just pray. Or bring positivity our way. We will be needing it.

With love,

The Hidden Truth X

I am back.

Blog, Feelings, Uncategorized

2017, what a horrible year you have been. Filled with nothing but thunder, lightening and gloom.

Have you missed me? I wouldn’t have. All I ever write on here is blue days. I left for a month with the hopes of things turning brighter and me coming back to tell all of you all of my months joys; but sorry, life has it’s own plans for me.

I wanted better. I ached for a better year. Just once. You would think I am asking for the impossible?

December 2016, I was leaving that year with the hopes of a brighter year ahead of me. My oh my, how I dreamt about how amazing 2017 was going to be for me, how heartbreaking. Oh how I lied and betrayed myself, yet again.

How do you keep on fighting with nothing good to show? How do you remain positive with only negativity to show? How do you continue a constant battle within yourself? How much longer can oneself keep on faking it? But I guess it’s fake it until you make or break, right?

2017 has been one of the worst years of my living life. I feel so terrible. I feel terrible knowing I am still alive, yet complaining while others are no longer living. But I cannot help the way I feel, I cannot help the heaviness of my heart. I wish my heart wasn’t as heavy, it is unbearable. Every breath is painful, it is like someone is squeezing my heart.

You can honestly feel your own heart breaking. 

With everything going on, it amazes me how I still have so much love within me, so much to give out.

I had said I was going to delete this blog, purely because I am afraid, petrified of those who know me finding it; judging and questioning me. Especially looking at me as if I am weak. I am far from weak. Although, at the same time I feel a sense of peace when I blog. I can blog anonymously without those reading knowing who I am. I like the idea of people reading me and painting themselves a picture of me. I hope that picture is never of  weak person.

What a lonely and scary place our minds can be.

I hope I make it to the end of the year with some good news.