The aching.

Blog, Feelings, Uncategorized

Every single bone in my body aches.

I am ridden with guilt, anger, mourning, heartache; every single negative emotion you can think of. Each and every single one of them I am burdened with.

I am so lost.  I never thought I would ever loose myself to the point of no return? When did I even loose myself? At what age did I begin slipping away from the “real me”. How did I not see it coming? How did I not notice the alarming warning signs?

Depression, *chuckles*. I have a love and hate relationship with you my dear. You have grown to be the longest relationship I have ever had. How funny, how funny to explain depression, a mental illness as a relationship. Oh anxiety, do not think for one second I have forgotten about you. How could I ever? You keep me up at night, you have me gasping for air. You have me anxious about events that are days away.

I always thought disappointing others was one of the worst feelings in the world, little did I realise disappointing the younger you was. You sit there thinking about all the plans younger you had planned out for future you, you remember the warm feeling, the glow and sparkle in your eyes. The tears begin to slowly fall down, because all those promises, dreams and goals you had promised future you, you have not achieved. You picture younger you looking at you in such anger, shame, hurt and betrayal.

Do you ever wonder how you have ended up where you are at this present moment? How could I have let my life spiral out of control with such huge dreams? My heart tells me not to hate myself so much for the position I am in because at that time I only saw a good outcome. My mind over takes my heart with anger; “HOW could you have done this to yourself? How are you in this position? You are meant to be more intelligent than this? How stupid could you be?”.

Everything I once ever worked so hard for is slipping away from me. I cannot even begin to fathom the pain and aching I feel. Why me? WHY NOT ME? Do I not deserve it any more than the next person? 

I am lost beyond being saved. 

How sad is it that the only time one can be happy is when asleep. Imagine the day one gets to sleep for eternity. I long for that moment.

Forgive me for my gloomy blogs, I always want to come and write something positive, something wonderful but my life is not there yet.

I hope to make it till the end of the year. Life is cruel. It has a way of pushing you above and beyond your limits.

One of my favourite quotes, from one of my favourite books. “So, this is my life. And I want you to know that I am both happy and sad and I’m still trying to figure out how that could be.”

I am both happy and sad. I have yet to figure out how that could even be possible? Sometimes the sadness takes over the happiness and I cannot see beyond it, today is one of the day I cannot see beyond the sadness, the darkness, the pain, the tears.

My darlings, always ALWAYS know your mental health is so important. For years I neglected it. I am paying for it now, along with all my other mistakes and regrets. Oh how I have so may regrets.

Anyone have a time machine? I would be grateful *chuckles*. I remember this show I used to watch as a child. This boy had a watch, which he could turn back or forth and stop time. Lord knows I would love that watch. I would rewind to my childhood years and write my wrongs.

People say you have to be grateful and happy for all that has happened in your life, it has made you who you are? What if who you are is everything you were frightened or frighted to never be? Looking at myself in the mirror, realising who I am is liking a living nightmare. How am I, me? How is this my life?

I could drink a bottle of old gin to myself right now. Scary to be seeing grey hairs appearing at a young age. They should not be appearing for another 40 years, the joys of stress!

When they warned us adult life was no fun, not all it was cracked up to be. We should have listened, knowing my readers; you all probably did. Shame on me; more fool me.

My darling readers, I ask that you pray for me and my parents, that the following two months will work out in favour for us…. Please. Even if you do not believe in a God, please just pray. Or bring positivity our way. We will be needing it.

With love,

The Hidden Truth X

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I am back.

Blog, Feelings, Uncategorized

2017, what a horrible year you have been. Filled with nothing but thunder, lightening and gloom.

Have you missed me? I wouldn’t have. All I ever write on here is blue days. I left for a month with the hopes of things turning brighter and me coming back to tell all of you all of my months joys; but sorry, life has it’s own plans for me.

I wanted better. I ached for a better year. Just once. You would think I am asking for the impossible?

December 2016, I was leaving that year with the hopes of a brighter year ahead of me. My oh my, how I dreamt about how amazing 2017 was going to be for me, how heartbreaking. Oh how I lied and betrayed myself, yet again.

How do you keep on fighting with nothing good to show? How do you remain positive with only negativity to show? How do you continue a constant battle within yourself? How much longer can oneself keep on faking it? But I guess it’s fake it until you make or break, right?

2017 has been one of the worst years of my living life. I feel so terrible. I feel terrible knowing I am still alive, yet complaining while others are no longer living. But I cannot help the way I feel, I cannot help the heaviness of my heart. I wish my heart wasn’t as heavy, it is unbearable. Every breath is painful, it is like someone is squeezing my heart.

You can honestly feel your own heart breaking. 

With everything going on, it amazes me how I still have so much love within me, so much to give out.

I had said I was going to delete this blog, purely because I am afraid, petrified of those who know me finding it; judging and questioning me. Especially looking at me as if I am weak. I am far from weak. Although, at the same time I feel a sense of peace when I blog. I can blog anonymously without those reading knowing who I am. I like the idea of people reading me and painting themselves a picture of me. I hope that picture is never of  weak person.

What a lonely and scary place our minds can be.

I hope I make it to the end of the year with some good news.

😞

Blog, Feelings

Each year, I hope and pray is going to be better than the last; and each year is worse than the last.

What am I doing wrong?

This blog, I don’t know. This one is a more personal one. I am just really tired. I have no more energy in my soul to keep fighting. Every time I do, I am knocked down. More heartbreaking news to hear. I really have tried, you know? Tried to be happy, tried to live a good life and there is always some fucking obstacle. 

Why can’t I just have a break? 

WHY ME? I never wanted to be that person. That “why me person?” Why not me? This life, this world is unbearable. 

Like honestly, I don’t even want to live anymore. I am honestly so done. 

Please do not feel any sympathy or sadness for me. I am at peace with my feelings. Like shit, some days are 40% good, but that 60% takes over. No matter how hard you try with depression it finds away to kill you. 

I just want to be happy and you’d think I am asking for the world. Will it take sleeping forever to be happy? I just want silence. I want to be peaceful and happy.

2017. You were meant to be my best year yet. I had so much riding on this being the greatest year. The year that would make all my depressed days worth it. It’s made me think my inner voice was always right. 

This post isn’t a cry for help, so please please do not try all that “things will be okay.” “you are not alone”  “don’t give up” “ignore your thoughts” comments. 

I was a fool to ever think I would win a battle with my own mind? It barely switches off even when I am asleep. It’s still ticking over. 

I heard some news this evening that just broke my world and I am holding on to that little glimpse of faith. But it’s a glimpse, you know?

People say speak out about your problems. I never really understood why? I still don’t? What is the reason behind speaking about my problems, there’s nothing no one can do to change them? So why open scars, why cut new ones for them not to be healed?

I always wonder why I can’t sleep. Ive come to an understanding that my mind doesn’t want to shut off to a lie. My mind doesn’t want to fall asleep and dream about a different life just to wake up to a nightmare of a reality. 

My mind is my own best friend and my own worst enemy. 

Funny.

At such a young heart, I have so much anger and pain. 

I desperately need a break. I need silence. I need numbness. I require peace. 

You (I) are (am) your (my) own enemy.

Blog, Feelings, Uncategorized

Who knew I would end up being my worst enemy, without even trying.

I love myself, I really do; but I hate myself more. -please no sympathy- 

From a young age, I have always planned my life in such detail and I have never had a “plan b” and what a mistake that was (the not having a plan b/back up plan). I was never prepared for a rainy day. For life to not go my way.

I just took a really big breath and I could feel my heart literally being torn apart.. AGAIN.. BY ME.  I am fighting the tears. What is the point of crying?

See, I had always planned my life out and never believed it would go any differently to what I had planned. Especially for it to have turned out to be all of my fears and nightmares. But, boy oh boy was I wrong. Everything started going wrong at age 14/15, but I ignored everything. Who cared? I was only in high school. What did it matter? I still had so much to look forward to. So I brushed everything off. Another mistake.

So here I was, finishing college and realising that the plans I had made when I was in primary school were not going to happen. (I always knew from an early age, the path I wanted to take.)  I had tried my best after college to continue pursuing my dreams, the little girl in me told me not to quit. YOU WILL GET THERE.  3 years on, life is just spiralling out of control! The little girl in me, the little girl with the big smile I wanted to make so proud, who told me I could do this; you lied.. I lied to myself.

I work so hard, I really do; and it is never enough. The last few months of 2016 and this year have been the hardest months of my lives and continue to be so. They have taught me how truly strong I am. I am proud of myself for that and that alone.

I want to be able to say I know better is coming; but I am beginning to doubt it. I do not see myself making it through this year. I really believed this was going to be my greatest year; once again.. I lied to myself, I am my own worst enemy, I continue to betray myself, I continue to break my own heart.

I don’t even know what this post is about, I have changed it twice but went with the flow of whatever I felt to write and this is it.

People always tell you things get better, but do they? I feel that people do not know how to give advice and do not know how to listen properly but instead just give empty advice. I hate that. I never open up about what really is going on because I have witnessed it a number of times people being given empty advice, empty promises, shit support and I do not want to open up, break down my walls to then be angry at myself for opening up to  the wrong person. So who is the right person?

I envy people who have found someone they can truly open up to about EVERYTHING and that person has still stuck around and has actually supported them and been everything they’ve needed them to be. I am envious of that. I haven’t even opened up to myself? I know there is so much more going on within me, that I choose to ignore.

I have made a promise to myself. One of these days, I promise to open up to myself. To listen and understand my scars and pain. Because I need to be happy within, not fake happy but true happiness. To feel peace and a breeze of fresh air within.

I will wait a life time for that. 

13 Reasons Why.

Uncategorized

I had came across 13RW on Netflix, but wasn’t phased by it whatsoever.. until I was constantly seeing tweets about it. Alex this, Hannah that, oh but Clay, how could Bryce.. I became intrigued, what was so fascinating about these characters?

So, I started it. I had wanted to read the book two years ago, not a real urge but I had been interested in the story line of the book. So there I was wishing I had read the book but instead was watching the TV series.

I feel like I have so much to say, in such little time, to such a small audience, so I’ll keep it short.

Suicide, depression, anxiety, rape, sexual consent, sexual abuse, bullying, loneliness. These are all involved in 13RW. I found myself looking and questioning myself on my own situations, other peoples situations, wondering about their story, wondering if they cared about my story, thinking about how a passing comment I have ever made would have imprinted on someones mind and body.

I fell in love with Clay, almost instantly. (I have a thing about falling in love with characters, mainly characters that come from a book authors mind. I feel a connection with them. I sympathise with them. I am with them through the journey.)

See, the thing about 13RW; it portrays to us what happens in high school, how high school experiences can have such an impact on one persons life, how each person has their own story. I have learned something so important watching 13RW. There is always a story between people but the reason each story end’s up being slightly different is because “it’s their truth”. And because of this, they aren’t wrong (unless they are completely lying, then well, yes they’re wrong)

I wish I could go in-depth about how 13RW made me feel. How Hannah made me feel. How I fell lost with Clay. How betrayed I felt by Justin. How sorry I felt with Alex. Each character I shared an emotion.

One of the scene’s Clay’s old friend (I forgot her name) said something a long the lines of people who commit suicide are weak. That sentence angered me, it broke me. People who commit suicide are not weak. Those who commit suicide are those who feel there is no other way out, they want peace, they want the pain to end, they are numb. Their way out it is ending it all. To come to the conclusion of taking your own life takes the world of bravery. Please understand I am not approving suicide, I am simply asking that you do not call those who have committed suicide weak. You do not know their story,  their pain, their reasons etc. Be mindful of your words. They are in a battle with themselves and the world.

13RW is a series I believe everyone should watch. It explains suicide, depression and anxiety in such a different outlook. As to what each character played part in someone taking their life, as to what comments, what actions can have such an impact on someone. How being there for someone as a friend can go a long way. Season 1 is now finished and I am heartbroken with the last episode. There are scenes that I would of loved to change, certain things I did not agree with. I wish I could state and go in-depth as to what I would of changed, but I don’t want to give any spoilers for those may be wishing to watch it or are currently watching it.But all in all it is a great TV series, I wish I could compare it to the book but I can’t.

I hope that anyone who reads this and has any feeling about the post, good or bad will know they can send me a message and express themselves. To those who feel like they don’t have anyone, you have me. You are not alone as much as you may feel it, you have a friend in me.