Blog, Feelings

Each year, I hope and pray is going to be better than the last; and each year is worse than the last.

What am I doing wrong?

This blog, I don’t know. This one is a more personal one. I am just really tired. I have no more energy in my soul to keep fighting. Every time I do, I am knocked down. More heartbreaking news to hear. I really have tried, you know? Tried to be happy, tried to live a good life and there is always some fucking obstacle. 

Why can’t I just have a break? 

WHY ME? I never wanted to be that person. That “why me person?” Why not me? This life, this world is unbearable. 

Like honestly, I don’t even want to live anymore. I am honestly so done. 

Please do not feel any sympathy or sadness for me. I am at peace with my feelings. Like shit, some days are 40% good, but that 60% takes over. No matter how hard you try with depression it finds away to kill you. 

I just want to be happy and you’d think I am asking for the world. Will it take sleeping forever to be happy? I just want silence. I want to be peaceful and happy.

2017. You were meant to be my best year yet. I had so much riding on this being the greatest year. The year that would make all my depressed days worth it. It’s made me think my inner voice was always right. 

This post isn’t a cry for help, so please please do not try all that “things will be okay.” “you are not alone”  “don’t give up” “ignore your thoughts” comments. 

I was a fool to ever think I would win a battle with my own mind? It barely switches off even when I am asleep. It’s still ticking over. 

I heard some news this evening that just broke my world and I am holding on to that little glimpse of faith. But it’s a glimpse, you know?

People say speak out about your problems. I never really understood why? I still don’t? What is the reason behind speaking about my problems, there’s nothing no one can do to change them? So why open scars, why cut new ones for them not to be healed?

I always wonder why I can’t sleep. Ive come to an understanding that my mind doesn’t want to shut off to a lie. My mind doesn’t want to fall asleep and dream about a different life just to wake up to a nightmare of a reality. 

My mind is my own best friend and my own worst enemy. 


At such a young heart, I have so much anger and pain. 

I desperately need a break. I need silence. I need numbness. I require peace. 


Wedding and baby thoughts keep me sane.

Blog, Feelings

I find sanity in thinking about my future husband and children.

The day a man, the man I am in love with and is in love with me gets down on one knee and asks for my hand in marriage; to make a vow in front of God to be my husband these thoughts they keep me sane in the midst of insanity.

I always find myself day dreaming about my future with my husband and our children. The warm feeling I will have of someone calling me their wife, of reminding me how much they loves me, the tears that will be running down their face while he holds our child all these happy thoughts keep me sane. They remind me of why I have yet to give up.

I planned my wedding day from a very young age. The amount of scenes of my weddings I played out with my barbie dolls. *giggles to oneself*

My children, my future children are the most important. I am alive to become a mother, to bare my children. I wonder what I would do without these happy thoughts. We all have our coping mechanisms and these are just a few of mine.

Today, like every other Sunday and near enough of everyday; I am feeling empty. Although I began thinking of my future husband and children and I feel a little bit better, so I suppose that is the reason why I chose to write this post. I feel like it’s a pointless post but I am finding comfort, real comfort in writing posts.

I hate when it comes to the end of a post because I am back to overthinking. And we all just love some overthinking.

Perfectly Imperfect

Blog, Feelings

I am perfectly imperfect; –I am in love with some of my flaws.-

Refuse to apologise for your flaws, they have made you, YOU.

Your flaws do not define you as a soul. But they have shaped you.

Learn to love your flaws, learn to accept your flaws.

You are not what someone defines you; due to your flaws.

There isn’t any human being without flaws, some have just learned to be best-friends with theirs; learn to do the same, so no one may be able to put you down.

Those flaws you hate so much; they are flaws someone has or will fall in love with.

“Once you accept your flaws, no one can use them against you.”

We have to learn to love ourselves. Every single inch of our bodies and souls. We need to learn to ignore what people think of us. We become so obsessed with the way people view us that we loose ourselves. There is a person in this world for every single one of us, and guess what? That person is going to love every single inch of you. The good and the bad. We all have our flaws, even those who seem “perfect to us”

Loving myself is something I am still learning to do and so is loving my flaws. Some flaws I am in love with and some I hate. 

But I am really trying to learn to love them all. I am who I am.

We’re always told by our parents how perfect we are, how beautiful we are. Do we believe them no? They are our parents, of course they have to say that. But no, what they say is true. Because they created us. So all they see is perfection and beauty. They want that to be instilled in us when we are young but our society changes it all.


What a shame. What a real shame that the words our parents say mean nothing but those of bullies and friends and boyfriends/girlfriends leave us scarred for life. Leave us believing every single words.

Love your flaws – by OPRAH. The Queen, of course.  (This post, by OPRAH, gave me so much life. Read it.)

“Talk to yourself as you would your best friend.” – Victoria Beckham

Another queen, good role model is the beautiful VB. This is something I have learned to do. I talk to myself like I would my best friend, because I am my own best friend. I have had talks with myself about learning to love my flaws.

Learning to love your flaws instead of beating yourself up about them is so difficult but trust me, you will feel so much better about yourself. Hating your flaws will lead to hating your self. Also.. an important question? Do you hate your flaws because you hate them? Or do you hate your flaws because someone has pointed them out to you in disgust?

I guarantee you 9/10 it’s no2. Just remember they also have flaws.

Remember.. “your flaws are perfect for the heart that is meant to love you.” and that is all that matters. 

To the woman I believe you (I) will become.

Blog, Feelings, Uncategorized

Dear future me,

I have faith in present you. I know you doubt yourself. I know you doubt your capability, I know your dreams and hopes have been broken way more than you can even recall. Although future me, your future husband, your future children we are counting on you. Counting on you to make it to those better and sunnier days.

I want you to come back in a year’s time and read this and be at your happiest.  I want you to read this and remember every single emotion, pain and anger you had. I want you to look at how far you have got.

Present you is so inspiring; all these barrier and obstacles that you have faced and still stand here with the hopes of those brighter days. I know you picture future me and you know she is worth the pain to be her. I know you dream about future you/me. Your mind wanders during the day about her, about her life, her married and children’s live. You know she is worth fighting and waiting for. You do know that.. right?

People will read this and have opinions. Is she really writing a post about herself, in second and third person? But there will be those who understand. Those who speak to themselves the exact same.

Present me, I really hope you continue being strong enough and make it through the storm. Make it through the storm to meet me. I cannot wait for you to live this perfect life you always imagined and still imagine. You are me and I am you. I am figment of your imagination that you are waiting to live.

I promise you, future you is worth all of this heartache.

Love present you, dreaming of future you while writing this.

I was looking for a picture to add on this post, when I came by this little blog post. I love it. I am going to write a proper one, but a more private one just for me. I think we should all do it. A nice reflection for a years or two’s time.

Dear Past Me, Present Me, and Future Me

I also, had to add in this picture because I LOVE to procrastinate; so future me, I hope I haven’t pissed you off too much!


You (I) are (am) your (my) own enemy.

Blog, Feelings, Uncategorized

Who knew I would end up being my worst enemy, without even trying.

I love myself, I really do; but I hate myself more. -please no sympathy- 

From a young age, I have always planned my life in such detail and I have never had a “plan b” and what a mistake that was (the not having a plan b/back up plan). I was never prepared for a rainy day. For life to not go my way.

I just took a really big breath and I could feel my heart literally being torn apart.. AGAIN.. BY ME.  I am fighting the tears. What is the point of crying?

See, I had always planned my life out and never believed it would go any differently to what I had planned. Especially for it to have turned out to be all of my fears and nightmares. But, boy oh boy was I wrong. Everything started going wrong at age 14/15, but I ignored everything. Who cared? I was only in high school. What did it matter? I still had so much to look forward to. So I brushed everything off. Another mistake.

So here I was, finishing college and realising that the plans I had made when I was in primary school were not going to happen. (I always knew from an early age, the path I wanted to take.)  I had tried my best after college to continue pursuing my dreams, the little girl in me told me not to quit. YOU WILL GET THERE.  3 years on, life is just spiralling out of control! The little girl in me, the little girl with the big smile I wanted to make so proud, who told me I could do this; you lied.. I lied to myself.

I work so hard, I really do; and it is never enough. The last few months of 2016 and this year have been the hardest months of my lives and continue to be so. They have taught me how truly strong I am. I am proud of myself for that and that alone.

I want to be able to say I know better is coming; but I am beginning to doubt it. I do not see myself making it through this year. I really believed this was going to be my greatest year; once again.. I lied to myself, I am my own worst enemy, I continue to betray myself, I continue to break my own heart.

I don’t even know what this post is about, I have changed it twice but went with the flow of whatever I felt to write and this is it.

People always tell you things get better, but do they? I feel that people do not know how to give advice and do not know how to listen properly but instead just give empty advice. I hate that. I never open up about what really is going on because I have witnessed it a number of times people being given empty advice, empty promises, shit support and I do not want to open up, break down my walls to then be angry at myself for opening up to  the wrong person. So who is the right person?

I envy people who have found someone they can truly open up to about EVERYTHING and that person has still stuck around and has actually supported them and been everything they’ve needed them to be. I am envious of that. I haven’t even opened up to myself? I know there is so much more going on within me, that I choose to ignore.

I have made a promise to myself. One of these days, I promise to open up to myself. To listen and understand my scars and pain. Because I need to be happy within, not fake happy but true happiness. To feel peace and a breeze of fresh air within.

I will wait a life time for that. 


Blog, Feelings

Sleepless nights are becoming the norm for me.

I just want to be able to go to sleep at a reasonable time. A time before midnight, like a normal person. Instead some nights I’m awake until I can hear the birds chirping, the alarm clocks ringing, the sound of slammed doors of people leaving for work, the roaring of car engines; and I wonder how I have stayed up the whole night.

It’s not all bad being awake at this time. It’s a lovely feeling just embracing this time, embracing how quiet everything seems to be, how peaceful the world sounds.

I tend to force myself to sleep most nights, well mornings because it is the morning. When I do wake up and face myself in the mirror, I question myself as to why I have bags underneath my eyes? Don’t be so stupid, you haven’t had a good night sleep in months. The dangers of your mind not wanting to switch off. 

I sometimes wonder. Those like me who suffer from insomnia, do we force ourselves to stay awake because we’re scared of sleeping and dreaming? Most nights I dream of a different life to the one I have. I wake up and I am reminded it was all a dream. Maybe I’m tired of tricking my mind; of tricking my mind into dreaming about an amazing but completely different life to the one I am living. To where all my senses are alive in my dreams; from the fresh smell of coffee to the soft touch of rain, of this imaginary lover of mine. It’s crazy how our minds work isn’t it? How we can trick ourselves when dreaming. How we can feel things to be so real.

My eyes are heavy right now, I could easily fall asleep, although I’m fighting it and so is my body! The constant battle.

I tried sleep tea, I believe it to be a myth. It doesn’t help you sleep. It tricks you into believing you will fall asleep, but you don’t. Although what does work is sleeping tablets, I don’t advice them as you can become addicted but some people are left with no choice! These do knock you out and you do feel like you’ve had the best sleep in or been asleep for years, literally. Please seek professional advice before trying these! 

What I love the most about sleeping is dreaming. I can never fall asleep without dreaming, especially without choosing my dream while I nod off. That’s what I love the most. I choose a life to dream about and I eventually fall asleep, I truly believe I fall asleep due to all the hard work my mind has had to work to make my dreams believable. But in that moment, that dream is so real. And I know, I said about being scared to sleep and dream because it isn’t reality. But in that moment, while I am dreaming and sleeping, I have no real life worries, I am content. That’s what I hold onto, what I love the most about sleeping/dreaming; how truly content I am. 

I love watching the sky turn from dark to light. How beautiful. Look what God created. I am in awe.

I always feel so calm and relaxed before sleeping. Even when my mind is accelerating 100mph; because eventually you know your eyes are going to close!

In the morning or in my case the afternoon I will be awake and blessed to see another day! I can’t think of anything more beautiful than witnessing and being blessed to see another day.

It’s now 02:14am and I’m going to force myself to sleep, force myself to dream.