😞

Blog, Feelings

Each year, I hope and pray is going to be better than the last; and each year is worse than the last.

What am I doing wrong?

This blog, I don’t know. This one is a more personal one. I am just really tired. I have no more energy in my soul to keep fighting. Every time I do, I am knocked down. More heartbreaking news to hear. I really have tried, you know? Tried to be happy, tried to live a good life and there is always some fucking obstacle. 

Why can’t I just have a break? 

WHY ME? I never wanted to be that person. That “why me person?” Why not me? This life, this world is unbearable. 

Like honestly, I don’t even want to live anymore. I am honestly so done. 

Please do not feel any sympathy or sadness for me. I am at peace with my feelings. Like shit, some days are 40% good, but that 60% takes over. No matter how hard you try with depression it finds away to kill you. 

I just want to be happy and you’d think I am asking for the world. Will it take sleeping forever to be happy? I just want silence. I want to be peaceful and happy.

2017. You were meant to be my best year yet. I had so much riding on this being the greatest year. The year that would make all my depressed days worth it. It’s made me think my inner voice was always right. 

This post isn’t a cry for help, so please please do not try all that “things will be okay.” “you are not alone”  “don’t give up” “ignore your thoughts” comments. 

I was a fool to ever think I would win a battle with my own mind? It barely switches off even when I am asleep. It’s still ticking over. 

I heard some news this evening that just broke my world and I am holding on to that little glimpse of faith. But it’s a glimpse, you know?

People say speak out about your problems. I never really understood why? I still don’t? What is the reason behind speaking about my problems, there’s nothing no one can do to change them? So why open scars, why cut new ones for them not to be healed?

I always wonder why I can’t sleep. Ive come to an understanding that my mind doesn’t want to shut off to a lie. My mind doesn’t want to fall asleep and dream about a different life just to wake up to a nightmare of a reality. 

My mind is my own best friend and my own worst enemy. 

Funny.

At such a young heart, I have so much anger and pain. 

I desperately need a break. I need silence. I need numbness. I require peace. 

8 thoughts on “😞

  1. I know and understand that you are not seeking help but allow me to share my thoughts with you, please.
    There are so many emotions in life that you have not experienced yet. And trust me, they are worth living for.
    Secondly, science or religion, through both I can explain to you why positivity leads to positive direction of life.
    Thirdly, Nothing is lost. You can start from absolute zero no matter how old you are.
    Dear, do not let the past or a person or so control your emotions and how you feel about yourself and the world.

    Like

    1. Morning! Thank you for your comment. Some emotions are too heavy too bare, trust me I have tried living for them. Religion also, I have tried to stay positive even now I’m positive but life has its own way. I keep restarting but I keep being back at the same place. It really is draining. I am trying each day & each day I’m knocked down.

      Like

      1. Your positive outlook must reflect in your actions and your thoughts both. Every bad day shall go away. I suggest you to focus on yourself. Try to get rid of your flaws, learn from your mistakes, start afresh with yourself. Find out what you love. Fall in love with yourself. The time and love you invest in yourself is the most productive as compared to loving any one else.
        I know it’s difficult at first.

        Like

    1. I have been the most patient I can, I just feel it’s a loosing battle. Thank you for your email, when I feel ready emotionally I will write to you. I can’t thank you enough for your comment!

      Like

      1. You shouldn’t wait until you’re ready. Try to get ready right now! Trust me both our identities will be a hidden truth.😉 I will be there always do seek me if you feel comfortable.

        Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s