Each year, I hope and pray is going to be better than the last; and each year is worse than the last.
What am I doing wrong?
This blog, I don’t know. This one is a more personal one. I am just really tired. I have no more energy in my soul to keep fighting. Every time I do, I am knocked down. More heartbreaking news to hear. I really have tried, you know? Tried to be happy, tried to live a good life and there is always some fucking obstacle.
Why can’t I just have a break?
WHY ME? I never wanted to be that person. That “why me person?” Why not me? This life, this world is unbearable.
Like honestly, I don’t even want to live anymore. I am honestly so done.
Please do not feel any sympathy or sadness for me. I am at peace with my feelings. Like shit, some days are 40% good, but that 60% takes over. No matter how hard you try with depression it finds away to kill you.
I just want to be happy and you’d think I am asking for the world. Will it take sleeping forever to be happy? I just want silence. I want to be peaceful and happy.
2017. You were meant to be my best year yet. I had so much riding on this being the greatest year. The year that would make all my depressed days worth it. It’s made me think my inner voice was always right.
This post isn’t a cry for help, so please please do not try all that “things will be okay.” “you are not alone” “don’t give up” “ignore your thoughts” comments.
I was a fool to ever think I would win a battle with my own mind? It barely switches off even when I am asleep. It’s still ticking over.
I heard some news this evening that just broke my world and I am holding on to that little glimpse of faith. But it’s a glimpse, you know?
People say speak out about your problems. I never really understood why? I still don’t? What is the reason behind speaking about my problems, there’s nothing no one can do to change them? So why open scars, why cut new ones for them not to be healed?
I always wonder why I can’t sleep. Ive come to an understanding that my mind doesn’t want to shut off to a lie. My mind doesn’t want to fall asleep and dream about a different life just to wake up to a nightmare of a reality.
My mind is my own best friend and my own worst enemy.
At such a young heart, I have so much anger and pain.
I desperately need a break. I need silence. I need numbness. I require peace.