Who knew I would end up being my worst enemy, without even trying.
I love myself, I really do; but I hate myself more. -please no sympathy-
From a young age, I have always planned my life in such detail and I have never had a “plan b” and what a mistake that was (the not having a plan b/back up plan). I was never prepared for a rainy day. For life to not go my way.
I just took a really big breath and I could feel my heart literally being torn apart.. AGAIN.. BY ME. I am fighting the tears. What is the point of crying?
See, I had always planned my life out and never believed it would go any differently to what I had planned. Especially for it to have turned out to be all of my fears and nightmares. But, boy oh boy was I wrong. Everything started going wrong at age 14/15, but I ignored everything. Who cared? I was only in high school. What did it matter? I still had so much to look forward to. So I brushed everything off. Another mistake.
So here I was, finishing college and realising that the plans I had made when I was in primary school were not going to happen. (I always knew from an early age, the path I wanted to take.) I had tried my best after college to continue pursuing my dreams, the little girl in me told me not to quit. YOU WILL GET THERE. 3 years on, life is just spiralling out of control! The little girl in me, the little girl with the big smile I wanted to make so proud, who told me I could do this; you lied.. I lied to myself.
I work so hard, I really do; and it is never enough. The last few months of 2016 and this year have been the hardest months of my lives and continue to be so. They have taught me how truly strong I am. I am proud of myself for that and that alone.
I want to be able to say I know better is coming; but I am beginning to doubt it. I do not see myself making it through this year. I really believed this was going to be my greatest year; once again.. I lied to myself, I am my own worst enemy, I continue to betray myself, I continue to break my own heart.
I don’t even know what this post is about, I have changed it twice but went with the flow of whatever I felt to write and this is it.
People always tell you things get better, but do they? I feel that people do not know how to give advice and do not know how to listen properly but instead just give empty advice. I hate that. I never open up about what really is going on because I have witnessed it a number of times people being given empty advice, empty promises, shit support and I do not want to open up, break down my walls to then be angry at myself for opening up to the wrong person. So who is the right person?
I envy people who have found someone they can truly open up to about EVERYTHING and that person has still stuck around and has actually supported them and been everything they’ve needed them to be. I am envious of that. I haven’t even opened up to myself? I know there is so much more going on within me, that I choose to ignore.
I have made a promise to myself. One of these days, I promise to open up to myself. To listen and understand my scars and pain. Because I need to be happy within, not fake happy but true happiness. To feel peace and a breeze of fresh air within.
I will wait a life time for that.