01:46am

Blog, Feelings

Sleepless nights are becoming the norm for me.

I just want to be able to go to sleep at a reasonable time. A time before midnight, like a normal person. Instead some nights I’m awake until I can hear the birds chirping, the alarm clocks ringing, the sound of slammed doors of people leaving for work, the roaring of car engines; and I wonder how I have stayed up the whole night.

It’s not all bad being awake at this time. It’s a lovely feeling just embracing this time, embracing how quiet everything seems to be, how peaceful the world sounds.

I tend to force myself to sleep most nights, well mornings because it is the morning. When I do wake up and face myself in the mirror, I question myself as to why I have bags underneath my eyes? Don’t be so stupid, you haven’t had a good night sleep in months. The dangers of your mind not wanting to switch off. 

I sometimes wonder. Those like me who suffer from insomnia, do we force ourselves to stay awake because we’re scared of sleeping and dreaming? Most nights I dream of a different life to the one I have. I wake up and I am reminded it was all a dream. Maybe I’m tired of tricking my mind; of tricking my mind into dreaming about an amazing but completely different life to the one I am living. To where all my senses are alive in my dreams; from the fresh smell of coffee to the soft touch of rain, of this imaginary lover of mine. It’s crazy how our minds work isn’t it? How we can trick ourselves when dreaming. How we can feel things to be so real.

My eyes are heavy right now, I could easily fall asleep, although I’m fighting it and so is my body! The constant battle.

I tried sleep tea, I believe it to be a myth. It doesn’t help you sleep. It tricks you into believing you will fall asleep, but you don’t. Although what does work is sleeping tablets, I don’t advice them as you can become addicted but some people are left with no choice! These do knock you out and you do feel like you’ve had the best sleep in or been asleep for years, literally. Please seek professional advice before trying these! 

What I love the most about sleeping is dreaming. I can never fall asleep without dreaming, especially without choosing my dream while I nod off. That’s what I love the most. I choose a life to dream about and I eventually fall asleep, I truly believe I fall asleep due to all the hard work my mind has had to work to make my dreams believable. But in that moment, that dream is so real. And I know, I said about being scared to sleep and dream because it isn’t reality. But in that moment, while I am dreaming and sleeping, I have no real life worries, I am content. That’s what I hold onto, what I love the most about sleeping/dreaming; how truly content I am. 

I love watching the sky turn from dark to light. How beautiful. Look what God created. I am in awe.

I always feel so calm and relaxed before sleeping. Even when my mind is accelerating 100mph; because eventually you know your eyes are going to close!

In the morning or in my case the afternoon I will be awake and blessed to see another day! I can’t think of anything more beautiful than witnessing and being blessed to see another day.

It’s now 02:14am and I’m going to force myself to sleep, force myself to dream.

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