Maybe my life is spiralling out of control. I am holding back tears while I write this. I am just exhausted, you know? Have you ever been emotionally exhausted? I think that’s the worst kind of exhaustion.
I have found myself in a place I never thought I would be in. Only counting on friends who live hours away as real friends. People I have known my whole life, people I have come to meet through others, people I have met in secondary and college all disappointing me and leaving me distancing myself from them. I have no in between when people mistreat me as a friend. I simply distance myself without any words, without explaining my feelings or hurt. And right now I am truly hurt. I always try to be an amazing, supportive friend and I can’t say it is always reciprocated. Lately I have found myself closing so many friendship doors that I never thought I would and oh my is it painful, but really? Can you remain friends with people who mistreat you?
I am learning to let friendships go and truly focus on myself, it is beyond painful and hurtful. God brings and removes people out of your life and you have to accept it, I am learning to accept it. You only have one life my darlings, do not waste it on friendships that do not bring you only joy. So the tears I originally had at the beginning of this have gone. I am now angry at myself for letting “friends” make me feel so low.
I am surprisingly finding comfort in this writing business!
It is funny, people always want to pass the blame on you rather than reflecting also on what THEY have done wrong. I am so tired of that. For years I used to allow people to blame me, make out I was the bad friend and till this day I still do, but not as much. Damn am I angry at how many people I have opened up to. I am too trusting and too loving, I DESPISE that about myself. But why should I? They are good attributes to have but the people of this world make them awful attributes to have. I worry each day that I am becoming a more closed book. I don’t want to be that person that never trusts anyone, that is emotionless, that isn’t who I was born to be!
There are too many distractions in life and friends can play a big part in that. It saddens me that my true friends which really are 4 people live hours away. I need to find peace in not worrying whether I have friends or not, because what is the point having rubbish friends to being happy and alone? I would rather be happy and alone! I am my own friend and most importantly I am my own best-friend. Like Beyonce said “Me, myself, and I–that’s all I got in the end. That’s what I found out and it ain’t no need to cry; I took a vow that from now on I’m gon’ my own best friend” YASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS Bey, sing it!
I can’t believe my first sentence.. Maybe my life is spiralling out of control. It isn’t. Just because “friends” want to be shit, I shouldn’t let that make me feel so low about my life. I have a great life! No one, will EVER stop me accomplishing my God given dreams. You loose some, you win some! But bitch I always got God!
I hope you never let anyone make you feel so low about yourself, reduce you to tears, make you question if you’re a good friend but if they do, pick yourself up my darlings! You are more worthy than what they make you feel!
That is all for today! The sun is shinning so no need for tears.