Backpacking

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Do you ever just want to pack a bag full of clothes, something sentimental and just go. You don’t even know where you are planning to go but you just know you want to go.

I love the thought of going somewhere new, a whole different country where no one knows my name and starting fresh. I dream about it sometimes..

The endless possibilities of being able to start all over again. Erasing the last years of my past and start a clean slate. Not only because of the past hurt but because of wanting to start a new adventure and seeing where it’ll take me.

Lately I have been thinking of buying a cheap camper van and starting an adventure that I hope would one day lead me to the other side of the world. 

Of course, I would still be the same person. Of course my problems aren’t going to stay where I am leaving. That isn’t what I am trying to accomplish here. More the fact and thought of being in a camper van alone, travelling. Experiencing new cities, new cultures, new surroundings, foods etctera. 

I am not afraid of picking up my bag and going, that isn’t what’s holding me back. It’s the money. If I woke up one day to a shit load of money in my account, I would leave and not even think twice about it. 

I am yet to find somewhere I belong, I hunger for it.

Fear definitely isn’t holding me back, life’s too short not to go on adventures. 

This would be the perfect time to pick up and go. I don’t know, I am just tired of the country I am living in and feeling STUCK. That’s what I feel stuck. 

I am sure there isn’t a perfect country. Honestly I believe I live in one of the best countries in the world, but I am just tired of it, you know? I just want to drive and drive and drive and drive! 

Maybe one day. Maybe not tomorrow, this year, next year but maybe one day! And to that, I’ll hold on dearly! 

Wanders..

Blog, Feelings, Uncategorized

-edited version

I am wide awake, wrapped up in my pyjamas listening to the queen Adele, I miss you. One of my favourite songs from her album. Well actually one of my all time favourite songs. I honestly can’t even explain how it makes me feel.  This song, it has so much depth to it. I wonder what the meaning was behind the lyrics for her.

I got a little carried away with talking about Adele. So here is what I have come to write.

Get ready for a long post; I think this may be my first ever long post, so enjoy. My heart longs for the day I will fall in love and be loved.

In this day and age, it seems as if  people are afraid of falling in love. Their minds run to all that can go wrong before the relationship has even been allowed to blossom. What a shame. I would be lying if I said I didn’t understand, you are about to give your whole heart to someone.

Heartbreak is inevitable, we must learn this, we must begin to accept it. Our hearts break from numerous relationships, from our relationship with our parents, to our friends, to objects. We shouldn’t fear heartbreak but rather embrace it. 

I have never been in love, one upon a time I really did think I was. But I was young and foolish and I had mistaken lust for love. (A common mistake.)

I want to know what love is, like true love. I remember a time I believed we love every one the same but we don’t, love differs with each relationship; whether that being a sibling, an object, a family member, a friend or a partner etc.

I want to know and understand what it is like to be madly and deeply in love with someone. To run my fingers through the structure of their bodies. To learn them beyond their imagination. I imagine love being so warming.

I have read a few quotes that excite me about love. I am going to search for them, so bare with me.. (not as if you really have to wait, but I’m exiting this page and going on safari.)

She asked ‘you are in love, what does love look like’ to which i replied ‘like everything I’ve ever lost come back to me. ~ Nayyirah Waheed 

Being with him made me want to make my own dreams, discover my own path. I was my best self when I was with him. ~ Heather Anastasiu

Okay, so I couldn’t find all the ones I love but these are two of my favourites.

The first one gives me goosebumps. How beautiful? The thought of loving someone could make you feel like everything you ever lost coming back to you in the form of love. That they could give you so much love, that it fills all the empty spaces you feel within yourself.

Love is a gamble, it really is. You’re giving your heart to someone and in that moment they have your heart in the palm of their hands. They can either crush it or match their heart with it. You’re allowing your heart to be loved and for your heart to love.  The pain of a heartbreak is physical. Once upon a time I used to hear people saying they could literally feel their heart breaking. -impossible-. I used to think, “don’t be absurd.” Although I began to painfully realise that you truly can feel your heart breaking, the aching, the pounding and the shattering is so loud you almost believe others can hear it.

I want to fall asleep next to another body, a body of someone I love. I want to watch their eyes close whilst they fight sleep because they too are gassing into my eyes, to watch and hear them breathing. To wake up the next morning with their presence. To think how lucky I am.

Love isn’t meant to be perfect.

I think I long to be in a relationship and to be in love purely because I am surrounded by so many people who are and how happy they seem when they speak about their partners. I want to know what being in love is like. I want to know what it’s like to have someone love me, I want to know someone is scared to loose me, someone is proud to have me as their partner. Uh my heart longs to be in love.

Love to me is like being “home”. Most of love our homes, it is our safe place. I believe as humans we find homes and safe havens in others too. 

I will wait a lifetime, figuratively speaking for my one, the right one, “the love of my life”. I have so much love to give and so much to offer as a partner, so when I get angry, lonely or upset about why I am still single I remember that I am destined for someone who deserves me, my heart and all I have to offer and remember to trust God and his timing.

Ugh, I hate third wheeling. I hate seeing public affection, I can’t stand using tinder and the other numerous dating sites, I hate hearing about love stories. I never go cinemas to watch romantic genre movies because they portray “happy endings” and I am still waiting for mine and also the movies LIE. Do not get confused, I do not believe in movie and storybooks “happy endings”. I know exactly what type of “happy ending” I await for.

When you are waiting for your “happy ending” remember to keep it realistic.

If you could separate my heart and my body, you would see it is only my heart that is longing for love. Other people it’d be both, I can’t explain what I mean, but I understand myself. -laughing-

My heart is longing for another heart to beat the same rhythm. To feel connected. My hearts lonely, it has been for a long while. I believe being in love will make me feel whole. -I am not looking for someone to save me or my heart- but to just simply love me and I can’t wait to go on that adventure.

I daydream about falling in love near enough all day; what if I have set the bar so high? What if love is not everything I have made it out to be?

We have to stop worrying about what may go wrong and just trust ourselves and enjoy the experience. The experience may be life long or temporary, regardless it’s an experience. Embrace it.

I hope if you’re reading this and your single, be open to falling in love. Don’t be scared of it. Enjoy the path that it is going to take you on, whether you look at it as an experience, learning lesson, a memory or following you heart ENJOY IT! 

But my darlings, be wise who you give your heart and time to. They can easily crush it. 

My point is, don’t go into a relationship with negativity. Don’t go into love with your ex past hurt. Don’t go into a relationship with only fears. Don’t go into love for the wrong reasons.

Falling in love is one of the best experience we have the pleasures of experiencing! 

Regardless of what people may say, love is something I looking forward to in my life. Just like being a wife, mother and grandmother.

-These are exciting things to look and wait for. Things to keep me sane.-

Positivity

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Why is it we allow people to bring our moods down? 

I am sick of allowing people to have a hold on my mood; this has such a huge impact on my happiness and well being. A lot of the times people know they have the power of doing this and yet still do it, it’s crazy.

I am such a strong person, a long the way I have lost myself. I have become this weak person. A person who allows people to have such a big impact on my emotions and moods.

The problem I am facing is, the old me was cold but I was never hurt. I was told to open up, to allow people in and the outcome of it was people mistreating me and trying to burn me?

I sometimes laugh to myself; go into my little world. Count, breath, relax. Then the floods of tears come gushing down because of how hard I am holding myself from ending this person with my words. Why must one be tested?

Please, accept my apologise; in regards to the fact that my posts are always so negative. I have looked at all my posts are none of them are completely positive and that is not who I aspire to be. I am going to do WHATEVER it takes to become a positive person; whether that means removing every single person who is deceitful and unworthy of my time. I will be that person I picture myself in 10 years time.

I could do with some Yoga. 

There are things I want to cross off from my bucket list, my before 30 list and I think I am finally at a place where I am ready to do them alone. Put myself out of my comfort zone.

Please, readers! The universe! Please send positive vibes towards me to stop me from unleashing the beast inside of me on people! (they do ask for it.) Believe me, it takes me a a cunting lot to explode.

This year really has been a wild one, an eye opening one, a roller-coaster damn it was meant to be the best one yet! I say that every year, but I really believed it last December.

Pst.. Does anyone mediate? And if you do, does it help?

And breath! The sense of relief off your shoulders when you right is beautiful!

I will probably delete my blog permanently next month. As much as I love writing these blog posts, a part of me feels a sense of shame as in I am expressing my weaknesses of situations occurring. So here is to the final month of Goodbye HiddenXTruth!

It is okay, not to be okay!

Blog, Feelings, Uncategorized

Look, life isn’t all sunshine and rainbows. You are going to be tested, you are going to be at your lowest, you are going to rethink your life and it is OKAY not to be okay.

Sometime I think that we forget that we are only humans, that we are allowed to experience different emotions apart from happy and positive ones. We are not weak for those sad and negative emotions. Don’t beat yourself up.

We as a society need to stop telling people “things are going to be okay” “you are going to get through this” all that shit. Honestly? What does that even mean? For someone who is going through so much, those are just blank sentences. Those people you are telling those sentences to have been going through things for a long time and you saying that to them, truly is blank sentences.

We need to find other ways to help each other, to support each other, to listen to each other. We are all so wrapped up in our own lives that all we can offer to someone is “you are going to be okay.”

Anyways, my point is.. it is okay not to be okay. We’re not going to always have good days. Those bad days may last longer than a week, a month, YEARS! But seek advice, professional advice. You would be surprised at how many organisations are out there to help.

Your issue is never TOO little. 

Also, we need to stop telling people “other people have it worse.” Of course they do. There is always going to be someone who is hurting more than you, who is going through more battles than you. Doesn’t mean your battle is any less painful. Pain can not be measured.

I know my blog isn’t the most happiest place; but I have found comfort in writing and most importantly being anonymous. I never thought I would ever write a blog for so many reasons. Especially being found by those who know me, that is still one of my worries! But I am happy to keep writing.

I want my readers to always know, you can reach out to me. I will always be here for any of you. If you need me please please reach out. Whether it is through my blog or through my email. thehiddenxtruth@hotmail.com I am here for you all!

 

 

 

Denial..

Blog, Feelings

“If you’re in denial, you’re trying to protect yourself by refusing to accept the truth about something that’s happening in your life”

I turned a year older this year and I have been in denial about it; pretending it never happened, still stating I am a year younger. I refuse to believe that this event ever happened. I never thought I would be where I am at this age.

There are so many things I am in denial about in regards to my life. I don’t want to believe that they are really happening. Now, being in denial is dangerous. Not accepting the truth about ones life is DANGEROUS; but I am finding so much comfort from it than the harsh reality. Which again, is also dangerous.

Do you ever wake up in the morning and for a split second you think your whole life has been a dream? And for that split second you start smiling. Then BANG reality sets in.

..There you are living the life you never imagined you would being living.

People always state it is never too late to start over, keep going, to chase you dream, everything will be okay etc. I hate that shit. People seem to think they know you better than you know yourself and your life. As if you have not been constantly trying and constantly being knocked down?

Do you know what true heartbreak is?.. Looking at baby pictures of yourself and seeing how happy you once were as a child. It breaks my heart looking at how happy I was previous years, like really happy. These days I look at pictures of myself with a fake, empty smile. As a child you have no worries really, you don’t even think about how your life may turn out for the wort but instead you make up this wonderful life plan and when it doesn’t fall through, it’s heartbreaking.

I am never going to give up (I hope), I owe it to the little girl I once was to make this life everything I had dreamt it to be, everything I had promised myself to have.

Denial can be so dangerous, not accepting the truth about your life and not accepting responsibilities can quickly spiral out of control. Crazily sometimes we do it unconsciously.

This year one of the many things I want, is to be able to accept whatever is going on with my life instead of running away from it.

😞

Blog, Feelings

Each year, I hope and pray is going to be better than the last; and each year is worse than the last.

What am I doing wrong?

This blog, I don’t know. This one is a more personal one. I am just really tired. I have no more energy in my soul to keep fighting. Every time I do, I am knocked down. More heartbreaking news to hear. I really have tried, you know? Tried to be happy, tried to live a good life and there is always some fucking obstacle. 

Why can’t I just have a break? 

WHY ME? I never wanted to be that person. That “why me person?” Why not me? This life, this world is unbearable. 

Like honestly, I don’t even want to live anymore. I am honestly so done. 

Please do not feel any sympathy or sadness for me. I am at peace with my feelings. Like shit, some days are 40% good, but that 60% takes over. No matter how hard you try with depression it finds away to kill you. 

I just want to be happy and you’d think I am asking for the world. Will it take sleeping forever to be happy? I just want silence. I want to be peaceful and happy.

2017. You were meant to be my best year yet. I had so much riding on this being the greatest year. The year that would make all my depressed days worth it. It’s made me think my inner voice was always right. 

This post isn’t a cry for help, so please please do not try all that “things will be okay.” “you are not alone”  “don’t give up” “ignore your thoughts” comments. 

I was a fool to ever think I would win a battle with my own mind? It barely switches off even when I am asleep. It’s still ticking over. 

I heard some news this evening that just broke my world and I am holding on to that little glimpse of faith. But it’s a glimpse, you know?

People say speak out about your problems. I never really understood why? I still don’t? What is the reason behind speaking about my problems, there’s nothing no one can do to change them? So why open scars, why cut new ones for them not to be healed?

I always wonder why I can’t sleep. Ive come to an understanding that my mind doesn’t want to shut off to a lie. My mind doesn’t want to fall asleep and dream about a different life just to wake up to a nightmare of a reality. 

My mind is my own best friend and my own worst enemy. 

Funny.

At such a young heart, I have so much anger and pain. 

I desperately need a break. I need silence. I need numbness. I require peace. 

Wedding and baby thoughts keep me sane.

Blog, Feelings

I find sanity in thinking about my future husband and children.

The day a man, the man I am in love with and is in love with me gets down on one knee and asks for my hand in marriage; to make a vow in front of God to be my husband these thoughts they keep me sane in the midst of insanity.

I always find myself day dreaming about my future with my husband and our children. The warm feeling I will have of someone calling me their wife, of reminding me how much they loves me, the tears that will be running down their face while he holds our child all these happy thoughts keep me sane. They remind me of why I have yet to give up.

I planned my wedding day from a very young age. The amount of scenes of my weddings I played out with my barbie dolls. *giggles to oneself*

My children, my future children are the most important. I am alive to become a mother, to bare my children. I wonder what I would do without these happy thoughts. We all have our coping mechanisms and these are just a few of mine.

Today, like every other Sunday and near enough of everyday; I am feeling empty. Although I began thinking of my future husband and children and I feel a little bit better, so I suppose that is the reason why I chose to write this post. I feel like it’s a pointless post but I am finding comfort, real comfort in writing posts.

I hate when it comes to the end of a post because I am back to overthinking. And we all just love some overthinking.