20’s

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I think back to when I was in primary school and how I ached to be an adult and now I ache to be a child again. All the dreams I had slept peacefully through, the goals I had set out, the family life I had planned; all at a standstill now.

20’s are either the best or worst years for a person. I believe mine are the worst. I hate myself for planning my future out; all I am left with is disappointment and grieving for a life I had planned so precisely.

I truly believe my 3os will be the best years of my life, but I can’t see past my 20s all I see if fog, a blurred vision. The thought of going through the next few years, lost, angry, regretful, disappointment, I can’t bear the thought.

There is a huge amount of pressure for people my age. at 21 we are expected to be graduating university and preparing for adult life. So you can imagine what a disappointment I feel to my family and most importantly myself not being in university and in a dead end job that I 60% hate. Now do not get me wrong, I am in no way saying university is the only way of becoming successful (it most certainly is NOT.) Although.. the university path is one I always believed I would take, yet here I am; not in university and degree-less.

(Excuse the fact this may not make complete sense or may be cut short. I am exhausted and thoughts upon thoughts are running through my head, so here I am writing before I explode or cry and I have no wine to waste tears on. I shall tweek this in the morning or sometime this week.)

The problem is there is so much pressure for this generation to have their life in order by their 29th birthday (I am pushing it with 29, it is more like 25.). A lot of older people hear I am not at university and love to remind me that time is not going to wait for me. Or that I am single and ask me “so when do you expect to be married? Do you not want to know your partner for a few years before you get engaged/married.”

They do not realise how their words have such a negative impact. How my generation have no help, who can we even run too? Who do we ask for help?

I would be a billionaire if saved a pound every time someone told me my 20s are to find myself. *chuckles* so what happens when it is my 29th birthday and I am still lost? I still haven’t found myself? Then what?

(My eyes are slowly closing, I can see my lovely eyelashes. I shall be back, with this tweeked to perfection; but for now. Enjoy.)

  • thehiddenxtruth x

 

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Dear Chester..

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Dear Chester,

I really hope you are up there reading this while I type it. I will never forget the first time I was introduced to Linkin Park, I was in primary school. Even then, the music touched me in ways I can never express.

I always said I would see LP live. You could say it was one of my bucket lists wishes. Growing up, I never really understood the lyrics in your music but man did I love your music. I would sing it with all of my lungs; so passionately as well. It touched my heart from a young age, not sure at that time why..

It wasn’t until I started realising I suffered from depression, that I began understanding your lyrics. I understood your lyrics but never your pain. LP helped me through some of my darkest moments. People must think how? How can music that talks about depression possibly help someone who suffers from depression? The explanation of it, is so complex; those who are LP fans will understand what their music does for us.

So.. there I was scrolling through twitter; “why is there a picture of Chester on my timeline?” I had a sunken feeling in my heart. It was a picture of you smiling. I avoided reading the articles title and the twitter caption. I just stared blankly at the picture. I knew it couldn’t be good news. I ignored it and continued scrolling up thinking to myself “LP recently just performed in London, so it is probably to do with that or their song with Stormzy.”

There you were on “Trends for you”.. #ChesterBennington and I knew, I knew you were gone. I began reading the article. I just felt heartbroken, for more reasons that I can even begin to express. But there I was, in denial. What do these articles know? Here is a hoax,, a disgusting hoax. Mike, Joe, none of the guys had tweeted or confirmed anything; so of course it wasn’t true.

My TL was overflowing with rest in peace tweets, I read every single one in denial. It blew my mind how people I would not have expected to be mourning were mourning. Chester.. you touched the lives of many. That smile of yours, could light up and will continue lighting up a room. Your lyrics will forever stay with me.

Numb and In The End, will remain my forever songs. They have helped me through the years and will always continue too. I cannot say that I will ever be able to listen to them the same, my heart will ache the first time I re-listen to them. I haven’t listened to them since your passing.

It breaks my heart, that I never went to see LP. I thought I had a lifetime to do so. Seeing LP live was one of my life dreams/goals. Man, I was hoping it was a hoax. Then Joe and Mike made their statements and I had to come to terms it was true, this is pretty much real.

Chester.. I really hope you are resting and are at peace. I hope all that was troubling you has now stopped. Music will never be the same. Not that type of music that can comfort you and help you the way LP’s music helped/helps me,

I just want to tell you how grateful I am and always will be for the music you and LP brought into my life.

Rest peacefully.

Lots of love,

thehiddenxtruth (of course, you know who the real me is my angel.)

X

The aching.

Blog, Feelings, Uncategorized

Every single bone in my body aches.

I am ridden with guilt, anger, mourning, heartache; every single negative emotion you can think of. Each and every single one of them I am burdened with.

I am so lost.  I never thought I would ever loose myself to the point of no return? When did I even loose myself? At what age did I begin slipping away from the “real me”. How did I not see it coming? How did I not notice the alarming warning signs?

Depression, *chuckles*. I have a love and hate relationship with you my dear. You have grown to be the longest relationship I have ever had. How funny, how funny to explain depression, a mental illness as a relationship. Oh anxiety, do not think for one second I have forgotten about you. How could I ever? You keep me up at night, you have me gasping for air. You have me anxious about events that are days away.

I always thought disappointing others was one of the worst feelings in the world, little did I realise disappointing the younger you was. You sit there thinking about all the plans younger you had planned out for future you, you remember the warm feeling, the glow and sparkle in your eyes. The tears begin to slowly fall down, because all those promises, dreams and goals you had promised future you, you have not achieved. You picture younger you looking at you in such anger, shame, hurt and betrayal.

Do you ever wonder how you have ended up where you are at this present moment? How could I have let my life spiral out of control with such huge dreams? My heart tells me not to hate myself so much for the position I am in because at that time I only saw a good outcome. My mind over takes my heart with anger; “HOW could you have done this to yourself? How are you in this position? You are meant to be more intelligent than this? How stupid could you be?”.

Everything I once ever worked so hard for is slipping away from me. I cannot even begin to fathom the pain and aching I feel. Why me? WHY NOT ME? Do I not deserve it any more than the next person? 

I am lost beyond being saved. 

How sad is it that the only time one can be happy is when asleep. Imagine the day one gets to sleep for eternity. I long for that moment.

Forgive me for my gloomy blogs, I always want to come and write something positive, something wonderful but my life is not there yet.

I hope to make it till the end of the year. Life is cruel. It has a way of pushing you above and beyond your limits.

One of my favourite quotes, from one of my favourite books. “So, this is my life. And I want you to know that I am both happy and sad and I’m still trying to figure out how that could be.”

I am both happy and sad. I have yet to figure out how that could even be possible? Sometimes the sadness takes over the happiness and I cannot see beyond it, today is one of the day I cannot see beyond the sadness, the darkness, the pain, the tears.

My darlings, always ALWAYS know your mental health is so important. For years I neglected it. I am paying for it now, along with all my other mistakes and regrets. Oh how I have so may regrets.

Anyone have a time machine? I would be grateful *chuckles*. I remember this show I used to watch as a child. This boy had a watch, which he could turn back or forth and stop time. Lord knows I would love that watch. I would rewind to my childhood years and write my wrongs.

People say you have to be grateful and happy for all that has happened in your life, it has made you who you are? What if who you are is everything you were frightened or frighted to never be? Looking at myself in the mirror, realising who I am is liking a living nightmare. How am I, me? How is this my life?

I could drink a bottle of old gin to myself right now. Scary to be seeing grey hairs appearing at a young age. They should not be appearing for another 40 years, the joys of stress!

When they warned us adult life was no fun, not all it was cracked up to be. We should have listened, knowing my readers; you all probably did. Shame on me; more fool me.

My darling readers, I ask that you pray for me and my parents, that the following two months will work out in favour for us…. Please. Even if you do not believe in a God, please just pray. Or bring positivity our way. We will be needing it.

With love,

The Hidden Truth X

I am back.

Blog, Feelings, Uncategorized

2017, what a horrible year you have been. Filled with nothing but thunder, lightening and gloom.

Have you missed me? I wouldn’t have. All I ever write on here is blue days. I left for a month with the hopes of things turning brighter and me coming back to tell all of you all of my months joys; but sorry, life has it’s own plans for me.

I wanted better. I ached for a better year. Just once. You would think I am asking for the impossible?

December 2016, I was leaving that year with the hopes of a brighter year ahead of me. My oh my, how I dreamt about how amazing 2017 was going to be for me, how heartbreaking. Oh how I lied and betrayed myself, yet again.

How do you keep on fighting with nothing good to show? How do you remain positive with only negativity to show? How do you continue a constant battle within yourself? How much longer can oneself keep on faking it? But I guess it’s fake it until you make or break, right?

2017 has been one of the worst years of my living life. I feel so terrible. I feel terrible knowing I am still alive, yet complaining while others are no longer living. But I cannot help the way I feel, I cannot help the heaviness of my heart. I wish my heart wasn’t as heavy, it is unbearable. Every breath is painful, it is like someone is squeezing my heart.

You can honestly feel your own heart breaking. 

With everything going on, it amazes me how I still have so much love within me, so much to give out.

I had said I was going to delete this blog, purely because I am afraid, petrified of those who know me finding it; judging and questioning me. Especially looking at me as if I am weak. I am far from weak. Although, at the same time I feel a sense of peace when I blog. I can blog anonymously without those reading knowing who I am. I like the idea of people reading me and painting themselves a picture of me. I hope that picture is never of  weak person.

What a lonely and scary place our minds can be.

I hope I make it to the end of the year with some good news.

Backpacking

Blog, Feelings, Uncategorized

Do you ever just want to pack a bag full of clothes, something sentimental and just go. You don’t even know where you are planning to go but you just know you want to go.

I love the thought of going somewhere new, a whole different country where no one knows my name and starting fresh. I dream about it sometimes..

The endless possibilities of being able to start all over again. Erasing the last years of my past and start a clean slate. Not only because of the past hurt but because of wanting to start a new adventure and seeing where it’ll take me.

Lately I have been thinking of buying a cheap camper van and starting an adventure that I hope would one day lead me to the other side of the world. 

Of course, I would still be the same person. Of course my problems aren’t going to stay where I am leaving. That isn’t what I am trying to accomplish here. More the fact and thought of being in a camper van alone, travelling. Experiencing new cities, new cultures, new surroundings, foods etctera. 

I am not afraid of picking up my bag and going, that isn’t what’s holding me back. It’s the money. If I woke up one day to a shit load of money in my account, I would leave and not even think twice about it. 

I am yet to find somewhere I belong, I hunger for it.

Fear definitely isn’t holding me back, life’s too short not to go on adventures. 

This would be the perfect time to pick up and go. I don’t know, I am just tired of the country I am living in and feeling STUCK. That’s what I feel stuck. 

I am sure there isn’t a perfect country. Honestly I believe I live in one of the best countries in the world, but I am just tired of it, you know? I just want to drive and drive and drive and drive! 

Maybe one day. Maybe not tomorrow, this year, next year but maybe one day! And to that, I’ll hold on dearly! 

Wanders..

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-edited version

I am wide awake, wrapped up in my pyjamas listening to the queen Adele, I miss you. One of my favourite songs from her album. Well actually one of my all time favourite songs. I honestly can’t even explain how it makes me feel.  This song, it has so much depth to it. I wonder what the meaning was behind the lyrics for her.

I got a little carried away with talking about Adele. So here is what I have come to write.

Get ready for a long post; I think this may be my first ever long post, so enjoy. My heart longs for the day I will fall in love and be loved.

In this day and age, it seems as if  people are afraid of falling in love. Their minds run to all that can go wrong before the relationship has even been allowed to blossom. What a shame. I would be lying if I said I didn’t understand, you are about to give your whole heart to someone.

Heartbreak is inevitable, we must learn this, we must begin to accept it. Our hearts break from numerous relationships, from our relationship with our parents, to our friends, to objects. We shouldn’t fear heartbreak but rather embrace it. 

I have never been in love, one upon a time I really did think I was. But I was young and foolish and I had mistaken lust for love. (A common mistake.)

I want to know what love is, like true love. I remember a time I believed we love every one the same but we don’t, love differs with each relationship; whether that being a sibling, an object, a family member, a friend or a partner etc.

I want to know and understand what it is like to be madly and deeply in love with someone. To run my fingers through the structure of their bodies. To learn them beyond their imagination. I imagine love being so warming.

I have read a few quotes that excite me about love. I am going to search for them, so bare with me.. (not as if you really have to wait, but I’m exiting this page and going on safari.)

She asked ‘you are in love, what does love look like’ to which i replied ‘like everything I’ve ever lost come back to me. ~ Nayyirah Waheed 

Being with him made me want to make my own dreams, discover my own path. I was my best self when I was with him. ~ Heather Anastasiu

Okay, so I couldn’t find all the ones I love but these are two of my favourites.

The first one gives me goosebumps. How beautiful? The thought of loving someone could make you feel like everything you ever lost coming back to you in the form of love. That they could give you so much love, that it fills all the empty spaces you feel within yourself.

Love is a gamble, it really is. You’re giving your heart to someone and in that moment they have your heart in the palm of their hands. They can either crush it or match their heart with it. You’re allowing your heart to be loved and for your heart to love.  The pain of a heartbreak is physical. Once upon a time I used to hear people saying they could literally feel their heart breaking. -impossible-. I used to think, “don’t be absurd.” Although I began to painfully realise that you truly can feel your heart breaking, the aching, the pounding and the shattering is so loud you almost believe others can hear it.

I want to fall asleep next to another body, a body of someone I love. I want to watch their eyes close whilst they fight sleep because they too are gassing into my eyes, to watch and hear them breathing. To wake up the next morning with their presence. To think how lucky I am.

Love isn’t meant to be perfect.

I think I long to be in a relationship and to be in love purely because I am surrounded by so many people who are and how happy they seem when they speak about their partners. I want to know what being in love is like. I want to know what it’s like to have someone love me, I want to know someone is scared to loose me, someone is proud to have me as their partner. Uh my heart longs to be in love.

Love to me is like being “home”. Most of love our homes, it is our safe place. I believe as humans we find homes and safe havens in others too. 

I will wait a lifetime, figuratively speaking for my one, the right one, “the love of my life”. I have so much love to give and so much to offer as a partner, so when I get angry, lonely or upset about why I am still single I remember that I am destined for someone who deserves me, my heart and all I have to offer and remember to trust God and his timing.

Ugh, I hate third wheeling. I hate seeing public affection, I can’t stand using tinder and the other numerous dating sites, I hate hearing about love stories. I never go cinemas to watch romantic genre movies because they portray “happy endings” and I am still waiting for mine and also the movies LIE. Do not get confused, I do not believe in movie and storybooks “happy endings”. I know exactly what type of “happy ending” I await for.

When you are waiting for your “happy ending” remember to keep it realistic.

If you could separate my heart and my body, you would see it is only my heart that is longing for love. Other people it’d be both, I can’t explain what I mean, but I understand myself. -laughing-

My heart is longing for another heart to beat the same rhythm. To feel connected. My hearts lonely, it has been for a long while. I believe being in love will make me feel whole. -I am not looking for someone to save me or my heart- but to just simply love me and I can’t wait to go on that adventure.

I daydream about falling in love near enough all day; what if I have set the bar so high? What if love is not everything I have made it out to be?

We have to stop worrying about what may go wrong and just trust ourselves and enjoy the experience. The experience may be life long or temporary, regardless it’s an experience. Embrace it.

I hope if you’re reading this and your single, be open to falling in love. Don’t be scared of it. Enjoy the path that it is going to take you on, whether you look at it as an experience, learning lesson, a memory or following you heart ENJOY IT! 

But my darlings, be wise who you give your heart and time to. They can easily crush it. 

My point is, don’t go into a relationship with negativity. Don’t go into love with your ex past hurt. Don’t go into a relationship with only fears. Don’t go into love for the wrong reasons.

Falling in love is one of the best experience we have the pleasures of experiencing! 

Regardless of what people may say, love is something I looking forward to in my life. Just like being a wife, mother and grandmother.

-These are exciting things to look and wait for. Things to keep me sane.-

Positivity

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Why is it we allow people to bring our moods down? 

I am sick of allowing people to have a hold on my mood; this has such a huge impact on my happiness and well being. A lot of the times people know they have the power of doing this and yet still do it, it’s crazy.

I am such a strong person, a long the way I have lost myself. I have become this weak person. A person who allows people to have such a big impact on my emotions and moods.

The problem I am facing is, the old me was cold but I was never hurt. I was told to open up, to allow people in and the outcome of it was people mistreating me and trying to burn me?

I sometimes laugh to myself; go into my little world. Count, breath, relax. Then the floods of tears come gushing down because of how hard I am holding myself from ending this person with my words. Why must one be tested?

Please, accept my apologise; in regards to the fact that my posts are always so negative. I have looked at all my posts are none of them are completely positive and that is not who I aspire to be. I am going to do WHATEVER it takes to become a positive person; whether that means removing every single person who is deceitful and unworthy of my time. I will be that person I picture myself in 10 years time.

I could do with some Yoga. 

There are things I want to cross off from my bucket list, my before 30 list and I think I am finally at a place where I am ready to do them alone. Put myself out of my comfort zone.

Please, readers! The universe! Please send positive vibes towards me to stop me from unleashing the beast inside of me on people! (they do ask for it.) Believe me, it takes me a a cunting lot to explode.

This year really has been a wild one, an eye opening one, a roller-coaster damn it was meant to be the best one yet! I say that every year, but I really believed it last December.

Pst.. Does anyone mediate? And if you do, does it help?

And breath! The sense of relief off your shoulders when you right is beautiful!

I will probably delete my blog permanently next month. As much as I love writing these blog posts, a part of me feels a sense of shame as in I am expressing my weaknesses of situations occurring. So here is to the final month of Goodbye HiddenXTruth!